How hard is it to be loved? Or really, the question: how hard is it to feel loved? Life just passes faster and faster and it seems we get stuck in the smallest moments wondering how did I wind up here?
I remember the days of finishing up a good book at Barnes and Nobles and ending the day with a drink on the back of Scott's porch. We'd talk, generally about nothing, but we'd talk. And then we'd maybe watch some t.v. and wind up falling asleep. I remember loving that part, having someone to talk to and fall asleep with. I remember loving when I made someone laugh, but I also remember wondering why I wasn't good enough for him.
I remember being with Garret and having so many differences in what we believed, but yet being identical in how we lived our lives and how we thought. I remember how hard we laughed, but knowing it wouldn't last.
I remember Andrew. Ah. Those days. The days of never questioning who you are and where you're going, of loving and living every moment! Faster, harder, the laughs, the late night talks under the stars, the drives to no where just to be with each other. And the fight that came the day I found out I wasn't good enough.
But those days are long gone and Lot's wife was a great example of never looking back. I no longer invest all of who I am into a relationship, and I have yet to decide if it's hurt the relationship or if it's saved me from feeling even more pain. What happens when a woman wants to be loved, to be touched, to be cherished, to be laughed with, and all of that is secondary to a man's wants? Shouldn't it be a joint response that comes before the mess that is our lives? I think the clues lie in the undone dishes or the messy bedroom floor. I miss the days of drinking coffee or a wine cooler with a good friend and just laughing about the day or talking politics. I miss the day I was naive and had high hopes for who my soul mate would be.
I'm not strong enough to be one of those women that waits around for her man to give up, turn the tv/computer off and spend some time having a real conversation with her. I don't have the time in my life to wait around hoping all the promises that were made are going to come true. Wondering when something I'm going to say or not say is going to cause a fight, dreading the next time we 'make love'. How can you make love to someone you don't show is worth the time to actually love? I've made my requests repeatedly, I've fought trying to defend myself too many times. I don't feel wanted and I'm tired of looking in his eyes and seeing this man that used to laugh when I said something witty, that used to look at me as though he never wanted to take his eyes off me. I miss the man that used to put me before everything else in his life, even if it was just for a week. I miss feeling like a part of some great adventure. I want the man that cares when I'm crying because it means I'm really hurting.
I think in the end it's easy to figure women out and men are just too lazy and stubborn to admit that all we want is action behind words. Not pretty words to shut us up, not flowers when you feel guilty. We want you to say you're going to do something and do it.
Tell me you've seen the light, that you're tired of putting off the promises you made. That my pain means something to you, and your life isn't just about you any more. And you're going to hold me.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
I recently was proposed to, and for a second time in my life it was done at a very casual moment as though it wasn't important or was just a normal proceeding of the day. At first, I blew off the idea of being disappointed because I thought I was being greedy or controlling. But it's continued to bother me.
First, I asked; no, begged-him to actually PROPOSE to me and be creative. Why? Because the first time for me was just an "Oh, will you marry me?" and I wasn't even given the opportunity to be treated special, spoken to as though I was special, or shown how much thought someone could put into proposing to me. Besides, no one likes to be proposed to when they really need a shower and are nasty. Also, he proposed to his first wife after or during a roll in the hay. Really.
So twice now, his extent of thought behind showing the women he wants to marry HOW MUCH involves a quick hey wouldya. It almost seems extremely insincere. No, it does seem insincere. It seems as though it was expected of him, and it was expected of me to say yes. So I had to say yes while dressed in sweats, wanting a shower, and being seriously disappointed he didn't listen to a single word I said in pleading to please give me a little more consideration than he gave his ex or my ex gave me.
Now, there is no selfishness behind this thought. I really just did not want to yet again not have a story to tell. How did he propose? He got up from the computer and knelt down in front of me as I walked toward the bathroom to pee. How did the last one propose? While I was waiting for him to leave so I could shower.
I can imagine many women have sweet stories, where men tell them all about how they can't live without them, what great _____ they have or some special asset about them. I got nada. Zilch. Just a ring and a pissed off face when I didn't respond right away, both times. I don't want the man to cry, and I guess I really don't want to cry. But I would like to feel as though this was special for BOTH of us, and have someone take the time to make it special---which would show it was special for them, or they wouldn't take the time.
I hear all these amazing stories about how my friends were proposed to, even just being taken back to the first place they went on a date (a pizza joint) is putting thought into it. No, a proposal doesn't have to be exuberant, no the ring really isn't everything, and really a woman doesn't feel entirely special about a proposal when the only effort made was to grab a ring and say wouldya.
I guess I just have all these fantasies about how things should be with this guy, I mean he flew all the way to Montana to meet me. I really just expected to have a real proposal. I guess it's not just that I feel robbed, but that yet again he didn't hear the words coming from my mouth. Almost as though his way is the only way and I better get used to it... eeeeevery time. Every. Time. He heard me say please don't, even got mad when he thought that's what I was thinking. But it's still HIS way and my heart can't be listened to. (Won't be?)
It really wouldn't be such a let down if there hadn't been a few conversations about it, or even a couple of similar proposals in the past. I really thought we were different. I've been told he loves me more than he ever loved her, but I got the same proposal? I expected more from him and he knew it, but he still did it. Ugh. It's really messing with my head.
I look at this ring and I think, aww how pretty and yet, whats wrong with this picture? I guess I just am getting tired of telling him what I want and need and having him blow me off. And this was really important to me. Makes me wonder whats going to be blown off next.
First, I asked; no, begged-him to actually PROPOSE to me and be creative. Why? Because the first time for me was just an "Oh, will you marry me?" and I wasn't even given the opportunity to be treated special, spoken to as though I was special, or shown how much thought someone could put into proposing to me. Besides, no one likes to be proposed to when they really need a shower and are nasty. Also, he proposed to his first wife after or during a roll in the hay. Really.
So twice now, his extent of thought behind showing the women he wants to marry HOW MUCH involves a quick hey wouldya. It almost seems extremely insincere. No, it does seem insincere. It seems as though it was expected of him, and it was expected of me to say yes. So I had to say yes while dressed in sweats, wanting a shower, and being seriously disappointed he didn't listen to a single word I said in pleading to please give me a little more consideration than he gave his ex or my ex gave me.
Now, there is no selfishness behind this thought. I really just did not want to yet again not have a story to tell. How did he propose? He got up from the computer and knelt down in front of me as I walked toward the bathroom to pee. How did the last one propose? While I was waiting for him to leave so I could shower.
I can imagine many women have sweet stories, where men tell them all about how they can't live without them, what great _____ they have or some special asset about them. I got nada. Zilch. Just a ring and a pissed off face when I didn't respond right away, both times. I don't want the man to cry, and I guess I really don't want to cry. But I would like to feel as though this was special for BOTH of us, and have someone take the time to make it special---which would show it was special for them, or they wouldn't take the time.
I hear all these amazing stories about how my friends were proposed to, even just being taken back to the first place they went on a date (a pizza joint) is putting thought into it. No, a proposal doesn't have to be exuberant, no the ring really isn't everything, and really a woman doesn't feel entirely special about a proposal when the only effort made was to grab a ring and say wouldya.
I guess I just have all these fantasies about how things should be with this guy, I mean he flew all the way to Montana to meet me. I really just expected to have a real proposal. I guess it's not just that I feel robbed, but that yet again he didn't hear the words coming from my mouth. Almost as though his way is the only way and I better get used to it... eeeeevery time. Every. Time. He heard me say please don't, even got mad when he thought that's what I was thinking. But it's still HIS way and my heart can't be listened to. (Won't be?)
It really wouldn't be such a let down if there hadn't been a few conversations about it, or even a couple of similar proposals in the past. I really thought we were different. I've been told he loves me more than he ever loved her, but I got the same proposal? I expected more from him and he knew it, but he still did it. Ugh. It's really messing with my head.
I look at this ring and I think, aww how pretty and yet, whats wrong with this picture? I guess I just am getting tired of telling him what I want and need and having him blow me off. And this was really important to me. Makes me wonder whats going to be blown off next.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Is scripture condoning homosexual behavior with the following spoken of by Christ himself?
Luke 17:34 KJV Bible
I tell you, in that night there shall be two men in one bed; the one shall be taken, and the other shall be left.
To discover the purpose of this verse one must first understand the night Christ is referring to. Therefore, we must look at the section in it’s entirety to understand what point Jesus is trying to make. Let’s expand our view a bit:
26"Just as it was in the days of Noah, so also will it be in the days of the Son of Man. 27People were eating, drinking, marrying and being given in marriage up to the day Noah entered the ark. Then the flood came and destroyed them all.
28"It was the same in the days of Lot. People were eating and drinking, buying and selling, planting and building. 29But the day Lot left Sodom, fire and sulfur rained down from heaven and destroyed them all.
30"It will be just like this on the day the Son of Man is revealed. 31On that day no one who is on the roof of his house, with his goods inside, should go down to get them. Likewise, no one in the field should go back for anything. 32Remember Lot's wife! 33Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it. 34I tell you, on that night two people will be in one bed; one will be taken and the other left. 35Two women will be grinding grain together; one will be taken and the other left."[d]
37"Where, Lord?" they asked.
He replied, "Where there is a dead body, there the vultures will gather."
Notice verses 26-27, in which Jesus reminds His listeners that the populations of the world continued about their lives until “the day Noah entered the ark.” That means the people of the world were comfortable, secure, and ‘safe’. “Then the flood came and destroyed them all.” People were caught unaware, in the midst of their regular lives and activities. Presumably, some people were caught in the midst of their sinning!
What is spoken of next? Jesus reminds us that it was the same in the day of Lot, pointing out that people were “eating and drinking, buying and selling, planting and building.” But fire and sulfur poured out of the heavens and they were all destroyed! Why is Jesus reminding the listeners and future readers of these two events in particular?
“It will be just like this on the day the Son of Man is revealed.” This is a warning! The day Jesus is referring to is a day of destruction, of judgment. Just as the flood destroyed, and the fire destroyed, so shall the “day of the Son of Man” considered the Second Advent. (The Second Advent is the second coming of Christ spoken of in Revelations.)
Note the final scripture utilizing the imagery of vultures gathering! This refers to a Time which will fulfill scripture throughout the Bible that speaks of a coming destruction that will make dead bodies to feed the fowl of heaven. (Matthew 24:27-28, Luke 17:34-37, Rev. 19:17-21, and Ezek. 39:17-21.) While other scriptures speak of His people being caught up in the air, commonly referred to as the ‘rapture’ of the saints; these verses actually speak of an impending and final destruction!
Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary puts this into a very clear perspective; “In like manner, when Jesus Christ shall come to judge the world, sinners will be found altogether regardless; for in like manner the sinners of every age go on securely in their evil ways, and remember not their latter end. But wherever the wicked are, who are marked for eternal ruin, they shall be found by the judgments of God.” Even as Jesus spoke of not one knowing the time of His second coming, mankind is continuing on a path of eventual destruction.
This verse in no means suggests that Christ accepted homosexuality; He merely used it to exemplify the state of the world and the people therein when He will return! No where in scripture is homosexuality condoned! The consideration of this verse as saying God allows homosexuality so widely makes clear the state of the world.
One quick note to fellow believers, open God’s word. Never take what someone says blindly merely because they quoted a Bible verse. Read it for yourself, consider the entirety of the text versus a selected verse alone; and allow the Holy Spirit to guide you in forming your view.
Luke 17:34 KJV Bible
I tell you, in that night there shall be two men in one bed; the one shall be taken, and the other shall be left.
To discover the purpose of this verse one must first understand the night Christ is referring to. Therefore, we must look at the section in it’s entirety to understand what point Jesus is trying to make. Let’s expand our view a bit:
26"Just as it was in the days of Noah, so also will it be in the days of the Son of Man. 27People were eating, drinking, marrying and being given in marriage up to the day Noah entered the ark. Then the flood came and destroyed them all.
28"It was the same in the days of Lot. People were eating and drinking, buying and selling, planting and building. 29But the day Lot left Sodom, fire and sulfur rained down from heaven and destroyed them all.
30"It will be just like this on the day the Son of Man is revealed. 31On that day no one who is on the roof of his house, with his goods inside, should go down to get them. Likewise, no one in the field should go back for anything. 32Remember Lot's wife! 33Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it. 34I tell you, on that night two people will be in one bed; one will be taken and the other left. 35Two women will be grinding grain together; one will be taken and the other left."[d]
37"Where, Lord?" they asked.
He replied, "Where there is a dead body, there the vultures will gather."
Notice verses 26-27, in which Jesus reminds His listeners that the populations of the world continued about their lives until “the day Noah entered the ark.” That means the people of the world were comfortable, secure, and ‘safe’. “Then the flood came and destroyed them all.” People were caught unaware, in the midst of their regular lives and activities. Presumably, some people were caught in the midst of their sinning!
What is spoken of next? Jesus reminds us that it was the same in the day of Lot, pointing out that people were “eating and drinking, buying and selling, planting and building.” But fire and sulfur poured out of the heavens and they were all destroyed! Why is Jesus reminding the listeners and future readers of these two events in particular?
“It will be just like this on the day the Son of Man is revealed.” This is a warning! The day Jesus is referring to is a day of destruction, of judgment. Just as the flood destroyed, and the fire destroyed, so shall the “day of the Son of Man” considered the Second Advent. (The Second Advent is the second coming of Christ spoken of in Revelations.)
Note the final scripture utilizing the imagery of vultures gathering! This refers to a Time which will fulfill scripture throughout the Bible that speaks of a coming destruction that will make dead bodies to feed the fowl of heaven. (Matthew 24:27-28, Luke 17:34-37, Rev. 19:17-21, and Ezek. 39:17-21.) While other scriptures speak of His people being caught up in the air, commonly referred to as the ‘rapture’ of the saints; these verses actually speak of an impending and final destruction!
Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary puts this into a very clear perspective; “In like manner, when Jesus Christ shall come to judge the world, sinners will be found altogether regardless; for in like manner the sinners of every age go on securely in their evil ways, and remember not their latter end. But wherever the wicked are, who are marked for eternal ruin, they shall be found by the judgments of God.” Even as Jesus spoke of not one knowing the time of His second coming, mankind is continuing on a path of eventual destruction.
This verse in no means suggests that Christ accepted homosexuality; He merely used it to exemplify the state of the world and the people therein when He will return! No where in scripture is homosexuality condoned! The consideration of this verse as saying God allows homosexuality so widely makes clear the state of the world.
One quick note to fellow believers, open God’s word. Never take what someone says blindly merely because they quoted a Bible verse. Read it for yourself, consider the entirety of the text versus a selected verse alone; and allow the Holy Spirit to guide you in forming your view.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
1 Corinthians 12:27
“Now you are the Body of Christ,
and each of you is a part of it”
This has been on my heart a lot lately and I felt I needed to share it.
I hear the song If We Are the Body by Casting Crowns and often break down in tears, regardless of where I am or who I’m with. I’ve heard that song at least a hundred times and I still find myself sobbing like a two year old. No, I’m not overemotional. Yes, I’m crying over a song. But no, it’s not really ME that’s crying. It’s not. And it’s not just tears! My heart literally feels as though it’s breaking in half! It hurts to just breathe! Why? Why am I crying over a song? Because I feel the pain. The pain of every lonely, broken, stranded, confused, hopeless, helpless, depressed person. And you should, too. Because YOU have hope.
First, I would like to share an incident I witnessed recently. I sat in a hospital emergency room this past weekend and a little old man hobbled in, quite honestly resembling the letter “s”. He looked like he was in enormous pain and I could see he was trying not to cry. My heart was heavy with emotion, I wanted to reach out a hand and pray for him. Before I even had the words to mind, a woman next to me started tsking. Shaking her head, and using her eyes to show just how disgusted she was. She insulted him repeatedly, loud enough that I’m sure he heard. I made sure to say he looked like he hurt loudly enough, but in a room full of people I was the only one that was horrified enough to feel compassion. Not even the nurses showed an ounce of sympathy. As I sat there, I began to liken it to another scenario that has been REPEATEDLY happening in my own life.
I’ve had the ‘pleasure’ of experiencing the pain of being a displaced, lonely person. I’ve witnessed the cruelty and the abandonment that we, the CHURCH impress upon the people that walk in its doors. Do you know that I’ve attended the same church for nearly nine months now? I have yet to be introduced to someone. I have gotten out of my seat, convincing myself it was ME; and shaken someone’s hand. I have initiated conversations; I have smiled thousands of times. I have worshiped at that altar; I have raised my hands with the rest of them. I have even attended a small Sunday school class of maybe eight people, and not ONE bothered to say hello.
I’m not the only one. I’ve witnessed many other people, mainly women sitting alone; being left to ‘fend for themselves’. It’s not as though they don’t try in the essence that we as humans convince ourselves we’re making an effort! They’ve left cookies on my doorstep and called my house to say they have programs and classes and blahblahblah. But to me it is clear that these are human actions with human influences and ‘responsibility’ not a Christ compelled response and need to reach out. Human actions? Human response? It’s the same as the hospital room! The nurses asked the same, basic questions! They gave him the same treatment they give everyone else! Not once did a light turn on saying this man needs someone to recognize his agony! It’s the same with me, NOT ONCE did the CHURCH recognize that I was hurting. Even when I put my FULL name and phone number on a prayer card asking for someone to call.
How dare we? How DARE we as the BODY of CHRIST?
I ask you this, how often do you think something you’ve done or not done, said or not said, heard but not listened to; has caused someone to fall away from the body of Christ? Away from the hope that is Jesus? Even still, how often have you gone through the motions, said the “right” thing, and yet not allowed the Hope shine through?
I feel it strengthening more every day. God is starting to hurt more and more for his people. For the world. It needs to change. WE need to change. WE need to be Christ to the world! WE DO NOT SAVE OURSELVES, HOW SHOULD WE EXPECT OTHERS TO?
I know what you’re thinking. I’m just me. Look at me. And you even know what I’m going to say next, you’re bracing yourself to pretend you didn’t hear me! SO?! We are ALL just human! Christ didn’t leave the sacrifice up to us, that was His mission. But we are sent. Look at John. John the Baptist was not divine; he was not the son of God. He was a human. A HUMAN LIKE YOU.
He came as a witness, to bear witness about the light, that all might believe through him. (John 1:7)
What does it say? He was a witness! All might believe? Because he witnessed! Still not convinced you need to make a move? Read Romans 10:17.
“Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word.”
Who’s going to speak the word? Believing only happens through a witness. There is no other way. That’s how necessary it is. We, the Body of Christ, need to embrace the destiny that we now hold. We need to be witnesses and bear witness to the light, the hope that is our salvation and the only solid ground we have to stand on.
What are your words/actions/facial expressions showing today? Pray God brings people into your life that need you today. Pray that every morning. Step up when you feel a nudge. Don’t hide because you’re embarrassed or it’s bad timing.
This isn't just a word for my church, or for the people in my local community! This is a word for every church, and by church I mean every single person that is counted as being in the Body of Christ! God is reaching out to His people and begging them to heal the hurting! I say hello to so many people, I ask how they’re doing. Sometimes I'll just smile. But I’m sincere and it's not just me smiling, beckoning. Because I don’t know what their home life is like, I don’t know what condition their heart is in, I just know that GOD IS SEEKING THEM OUT and HURTING FOR THEM. Please, being unimportant to the rest of the world is hard enough. We need to be the value and worth that builds them up. Starting now. Starting YESTERDAY! Go!
…….And you will be my witnesses (Acts 1:8)
“Now you are the Body of Christ,
and each of you is a part of it”
This has been on my heart a lot lately and I felt I needed to share it.
I hear the song If We Are the Body by Casting Crowns and often break down in tears, regardless of where I am or who I’m with. I’ve heard that song at least a hundred times and I still find myself sobbing like a two year old. No, I’m not overemotional. Yes, I’m crying over a song. But no, it’s not really ME that’s crying. It’s not. And it’s not just tears! My heart literally feels as though it’s breaking in half! It hurts to just breathe! Why? Why am I crying over a song? Because I feel the pain. The pain of every lonely, broken, stranded, confused, hopeless, helpless, depressed person. And you should, too. Because YOU have hope.
First, I would like to share an incident I witnessed recently. I sat in a hospital emergency room this past weekend and a little old man hobbled in, quite honestly resembling the letter “s”. He looked like he was in enormous pain and I could see he was trying not to cry. My heart was heavy with emotion, I wanted to reach out a hand and pray for him. Before I even had the words to mind, a woman next to me started tsking. Shaking her head, and using her eyes to show just how disgusted she was. She insulted him repeatedly, loud enough that I’m sure he heard. I made sure to say he looked like he hurt loudly enough, but in a room full of people I was the only one that was horrified enough to feel compassion. Not even the nurses showed an ounce of sympathy. As I sat there, I began to liken it to another scenario that has been REPEATEDLY happening in my own life.
I’ve had the ‘pleasure’ of experiencing the pain of being a displaced, lonely person. I’ve witnessed the cruelty and the abandonment that we, the CHURCH impress upon the people that walk in its doors. Do you know that I’ve attended the same church for nearly nine months now? I have yet to be introduced to someone. I have gotten out of my seat, convincing myself it was ME; and shaken someone’s hand. I have initiated conversations; I have smiled thousands of times. I have worshiped at that altar; I have raised my hands with the rest of them. I have even attended a small Sunday school class of maybe eight people, and not ONE bothered to say hello.
I’m not the only one. I’ve witnessed many other people, mainly women sitting alone; being left to ‘fend for themselves’. It’s not as though they don’t try in the essence that we as humans convince ourselves we’re making an effort! They’ve left cookies on my doorstep and called my house to say they have programs and classes and blahblahblah. But to me it is clear that these are human actions with human influences and ‘responsibility’ not a Christ compelled response and need to reach out. Human actions? Human response? It’s the same as the hospital room! The nurses asked the same, basic questions! They gave him the same treatment they give everyone else! Not once did a light turn on saying this man needs someone to recognize his agony! It’s the same with me, NOT ONCE did the CHURCH recognize that I was hurting. Even when I put my FULL name and phone number on a prayer card asking for someone to call.
How dare we? How DARE we as the BODY of CHRIST?
I ask you this, how often do you think something you’ve done or not done, said or not said, heard but not listened to; has caused someone to fall away from the body of Christ? Away from the hope that is Jesus? Even still, how often have you gone through the motions, said the “right” thing, and yet not allowed the Hope shine through?
I feel it strengthening more every day. God is starting to hurt more and more for his people. For the world. It needs to change. WE need to change. WE need to be Christ to the world! WE DO NOT SAVE OURSELVES, HOW SHOULD WE EXPECT OTHERS TO?
I know what you’re thinking. I’m just me. Look at me. And you even know what I’m going to say next, you’re bracing yourself to pretend you didn’t hear me! SO?! We are ALL just human! Christ didn’t leave the sacrifice up to us, that was His mission. But we are sent. Look at John. John the Baptist was not divine; he was not the son of God. He was a human. A HUMAN LIKE YOU.
He came as a witness, to bear witness about the light, that all might believe through him. (John 1:7)
What does it say? He was a witness! All might believe? Because he witnessed! Still not convinced you need to make a move? Read Romans 10:17.
“Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word.”
Who’s going to speak the word? Believing only happens through a witness. There is no other way. That’s how necessary it is. We, the Body of Christ, need to embrace the destiny that we now hold. We need to be witnesses and bear witness to the light, the hope that is our salvation and the only solid ground we have to stand on.
What are your words/actions/facial expressions showing today? Pray God brings people into your life that need you today. Pray that every morning. Step up when you feel a nudge. Don’t hide because you’re embarrassed or it’s bad timing.
This isn't just a word for my church, or for the people in my local community! This is a word for every church, and by church I mean every single person that is counted as being in the Body of Christ! God is reaching out to His people and begging them to heal the hurting! I say hello to so many people, I ask how they’re doing. Sometimes I'll just smile. But I’m sincere and it's not just me smiling, beckoning. Because I don’t know what their home life is like, I don’t know what condition their heart is in, I just know that GOD IS SEEKING THEM OUT and HURTING FOR THEM. Please, being unimportant to the rest of the world is hard enough. We need to be the value and worth that builds them up. Starting now. Starting YESTERDAY! Go!
…….And you will be my witnesses (Acts 1:8)
Saturday, January 3, 2009
I'm really tired. I'm severely exhausted and I can't get myself to go take a shower or even to change into clean clothes. My female parts hurt and that is making me more tired, perhaps because I'm more and more depressed. I hate that I was so sick, so so so very sick, and it ruined my relationship and now I'm NOT sick. Not sick means the baby isn't growing and the hormones aren't elevating like they should. Being so tired means my body is shutting down in response to everything and I feel like just closing myself into a box and never coming out. Two babies in one year. So close together. I am now a mother of at least four, but only have one here to show for it. I don't know how much more my poor brain can take. How hard is it to make a nice life for my daughter and I? How hard is it to be happy? No matter how hard you try, how picky you are with your trust, or how often you question motives... life just decides to be tough. I see so many people with lives that aren't as tough. It drives me crazy to think that I can put myself out there, be SOMEONE to two little kids, to a man, and most importantly to my daughter; and yet here I am. Again. My mind just slowly shutting down. I don't think I've had a genuine thought process since July. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of being taken advantage of, and I'm really truly tired of letting myself fall so short in my daughter's eyes. I just want things to work out. I want to be happy. I want to be loved. And I don't want it to be short term. I don't want someone to decide I'm not good enough because I'm sick and can't vacuum. Or because I make Kraft Mac' N' Cheese instead of a real dinner because food makes me vomit. I just want to be loved for me. Me. I hate that I feel so close to a nervous breakdown. I can close my eyes and see the picture of that hand holding mine fade away so fast... all I can hear are the words and the insults and the deafening silence. Me trying to gain leverage by eventually insulting back. My daughter crying. Whatever happened to my happily ever after? I gave up my life for someone and their kids, and what do I have to show for it? A heart torn in two and bleeding, two miscarriages, a misplaced daughter, a suitcase full of clothes, and a mind that's on the brink. It shouldn't be that way. I should be remembering all of the happy times. Instead, all of the happy times are tainted with the horrible names and the insults and the berating.
Why can't I just be happy?
Why can't I just be happy?
So I was sent an article titled "The Six Steps to Happily Ever After". I'm in the process of evaluating the six steps, and I'm stumped on the first step. I must be slow.
Step #1: Find a shared dream for your life together.
Well that just makes perfect sense in theory... but how do you apply it? Everyone smiles and nods their heads in agreement, but who truly has a shared dream with their spouse? Oh, I know. You must. You just can't remember. I know I sure as hell can't think of a shared dream. Ever get stuck on seeing the future, but not really understanding what it entails? That's where I'm at. I see the future. But where, what, when, how, and why... those are the questions. I have self-dreams. I would like to be closer to my family. I want to be happy. I want someone's hand to hold. I want to be sleeping snuggled up to someone every night. I want to be safe. I want my family to be loved, and be involved and active. I want to be a participant in church. I want to be a prayer warrior. I want to finish school. I want to quilt/knit/sew. I want to walk daily. I want my children to know Christ.
Those are just the tip of the iceberg. I have the more selfish desires, like socks and clothing and cosmetics; and I have the selfless desires like volunteering and being a supportive wife and loving mother. Where does the sharing come in? When is it a shared vision? Do you sit down and devise a plan? I'm sure there's a lot of prayer involved... most couples have disagreements. It must be hard to come up with a cohesive theoretical fairy tale happy ending.
Step #2: Choose each other as your first family.
This is true. Both couples step away from their families and choose to become one with the other person. You love yourself first, right? You wouldn't let yourself die or cut off your own arm, would you? So why wouldn't your spouse, who is now a part of you, become your number one? It's hard to apply though, the pain of family and blood ruins many relationships. Someone should tell the 'second' family this.
Step #3: Learn how to fight right.
I think the correct statement should be learn how to talk and learn how to listen right. It should NEVER come to a fight. Why can't you just COMMUNICATE frustration and agitation and FIX The Problem, why instead should it come down to a battle of wits and insults?
Step #4: Find a balance between time for two and time for you.
Step #4: Find a balance between time for two and time for you.
Step #4: Find a balance between time for two and time for you.
How often does your time 'off' involve time with the person you love? It doesn't count if they're in the same house.
Step #5: Build a best friendship.
I love this one.
Step #6: Face down a major challenge together.
"You never know how strong your relationship is until it is challenged." How about how weak or brittle? That song about standing on solid ground or on sinking sand... I always feel like I'm on sinking sand and slowly suffocating. Sigh.
I suppose the short article was helpful to so many people, and I found it interesting... I'm still stuck on step #1 though... I suppose if you found the person you're meant to be with... the person who's soul is the counterpart to your own... you'll make it work. All of it. Just not alone.
Step #1: Find a shared dream for your life together.
Well that just makes perfect sense in theory... but how do you apply it? Everyone smiles and nods their heads in agreement, but who truly has a shared dream with their spouse? Oh, I know. You must. You just can't remember. I know I sure as hell can't think of a shared dream. Ever get stuck on seeing the future, but not really understanding what it entails? That's where I'm at. I see the future. But where, what, when, how, and why... those are the questions. I have self-dreams. I would like to be closer to my family. I want to be happy. I want someone's hand to hold. I want to be sleeping snuggled up to someone every night. I want to be safe. I want my family to be loved, and be involved and active. I want to be a participant in church. I want to be a prayer warrior. I want to finish school. I want to quilt/knit/sew. I want to walk daily. I want my children to know Christ.
Those are just the tip of the iceberg. I have the more selfish desires, like socks and clothing and cosmetics; and I have the selfless desires like volunteering and being a supportive wife and loving mother. Where does the sharing come in? When is it a shared vision? Do you sit down and devise a plan? I'm sure there's a lot of prayer involved... most couples have disagreements. It must be hard to come up with a cohesive theoretical fairy tale happy ending.
Step #2: Choose each other as your first family.
This is true. Both couples step away from their families and choose to become one with the other person. You love yourself first, right? You wouldn't let yourself die or cut off your own arm, would you? So why wouldn't your spouse, who is now a part of you, become your number one? It's hard to apply though, the pain of family and blood ruins many relationships. Someone should tell the 'second' family this.
Step #3: Learn how to fight right.
I think the correct statement should be learn how to talk and learn how to listen right. It should NEVER come to a fight. Why can't you just COMMUNICATE frustration and agitation and FIX The Problem, why instead should it come down to a battle of wits and insults?
Step #4: Find a balance between time for two and time for you.
Step #4: Find a balance between time for two and time for you.
Step #4: Find a balance between time for two and time for you.
How often does your time 'off' involve time with the person you love? It doesn't count if they're in the same house.
Step #5: Build a best friendship.
I love this one.
Step #6: Face down a major challenge together.
"You never know how strong your relationship is until it is challenged." How about how weak or brittle? That song about standing on solid ground or on sinking sand... I always feel like I'm on sinking sand and slowly suffocating. Sigh.
I suppose the short article was helpful to so many people, and I found it interesting... I'm still stuck on step #1 though... I suppose if you found the person you're meant to be with... the person who's soul is the counterpart to your own... you'll make it work. All of it. Just not alone.
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