God It's happening...

God, it’s happening. I tried so hard for so long to just avoid the feeling, the naiveties of my mistakes are quickly catching up to me. I’m terrified to turn around and reveal my face to the image of my past for the very reason that it might kill me. I used to confirm repeatedly to myself and my soul that every hurt was superficial, self-made. That if I were strong enough, smiled enough, I might just keep moving. I haven’t cried in years. Not since I told God Himself to leave me alone. I haven’t been that bitter or angry. Not until recently. And suddenly a flood gate is opening within me and I am forced to tread the waters of my misery, my pain… If I were to misstep just once, I would drown; I can’t swim. Not in my own blood. I thought by now there would be someone in my life strong enough to hold me above the water, to help me swim back to shore and start a fire so I could warm myself again. So I could live. Yet, I am forced to acknowledge the fact that the many prospects I’ve had have been men of destruction, not the life giving insurers I assumed I would receive. I’ve had the abusive, the cocky, the selfish, and the rare breed; the all-in-one. I’ve had every rejection and self-doubt possible placed in my mind. Until this point, I’ve held my head high and was determined to prove my value. My place in society. It is this moment in time that I truly see the misgivings of that belief. I find myself incapable of mere breathing in the company of any man that might be interested. I face this pathetic excuse of a woman every day in the mirror now. I am educated, intelligent, dedicated, compassionate, empathetic, loving, trusting…bruised and broken. I used to blame myself for the broken hearts trailed in the dust and burned in the ashes of my love life. It’s all come crashing down on me in a recent sequence of events any woman would have rather not lived, let alone witnessed. It’s essentially been confirmed that the men in my life, whether friends or partners; have determined that I’m easy to manipulate, and thus; easy to betray. And so they do. Someone commented that I must be great at relationships the other day, and I have to laugh. I very well may be the girl that will cook, laugh, play, and live life with you; but in the end my heart is shattered. At this juncture I’m questioning both my composure and my stability. Both are lacking. And the romantic department has temporarily closed its doors. I need to restore faith in myself before pursuing a romantic relationship. And even then, I need to trust someone. Like them. Enjoy myself with them. I need to see the fireworks and the magic before I start seeing someone. Maybe I’ve tried too hard. Pursued possibilities with dead ends. But I still deserve to be respected, loved, and held when I’m scared in the middle of the night. I don’t do mushy, but goodness gracious some integrity, security, (in)sanity, playfulness, passion, and trust in a relationship would certainly make me feel better. I need them all, damnit!!!! And now, I return to my bed as it beckons my depressed state of mind and my sleepy imagination. May I have sweeter dreams of a kinder tomorrow.