Have you ever cared about someone so much you were willing to blindingly follow them into the depths of life's miserable abyss? You had no idea where you were walking but you had every last bit of faith and hope invested in this person's outcome.
The part of the equation that is most frustrating is the person whom's hand you are holding so naively has equally awful skill in reading that damn compass.
And there's a baby involved. In 86 days (OR LESS!!!!!!) there will be a crying, squirming, red faced baby to take care of. Mommy doesn't want to do this alone. My mind says I can do it if I need to, but my heart and soul are screaming that I'd rather not.
So suspended in this miserable school of thought; I sit-with a blindfold over my eyes that I could take off if I really wanted to. Because I love him. I need him. And she's going to need him.
For a brief moment there he said things that seemed he was taking US into consideration. Until the panic set in, an awareness of his "lack of success" and that seemingly missing "niche" that would supposedly set all that was wrong in the world straight.
And now-I am trying not to reread the ticker on my screen that says 86 days and counting. Or feel every baby movement and see her butt pressed firmly up on my belly. I don't know what the solution is. I just know what needs to be addressed.
1. I will not take my baby to the apartment he lives in now, or ever.
2. He needs a job he can rely on. I'm going to need to ask for help. And I don't mean just twenty dollars every couple of months to buy a pack of diapers.
3. I am on the short list for an apt. with financial terms in the area he lives in, but that's a good 1 1/2 years away, and still at least 400 dollars more a month than an apt just down the road from where I live now.
4. I can't afford childcare where he lives. I have it free here.
5. I can do more with my money here. More for my child, that is.
But these are nothing compared to my biggest concern. Nothing.
Ultimately, if I have to stay here-an hour away from the love of my life and my baby's father-I'm alone. I'm without the person I need the most in this world. And it hurts to think that I'm going to be here next year.
And he's going to be there. And then the next year. I'm still going to be here. Alone. And he's going to be there. And I wonder how long this is going to go on before he finally just moves on and leaves me alone for good. No matter how I figure it, I can not afford to move back.
I wish I could.
But I can't.
And I hate to think I'm giving up happiness and my love-along with my heart-because I can't make that transition.
The part of the equation that is most frustrating is the person whom's hand you are holding so naively has equally awful skill in reading that damn compass.
And there's a baby involved. In 86 days (OR LESS!!!!!!) there will be a crying, squirming, red faced baby to take care of. Mommy doesn't want to do this alone. My mind says I can do it if I need to, but my heart and soul are screaming that I'd rather not.
So suspended in this miserable school of thought; I sit-with a blindfold over my eyes that I could take off if I really wanted to. Because I love him. I need him. And she's going to need him.
For a brief moment there he said things that seemed he was taking US into consideration. Until the panic set in, an awareness of his "lack of success" and that seemingly missing "niche" that would supposedly set all that was wrong in the world straight.
And now-I am trying not to reread the ticker on my screen that says 86 days and counting. Or feel every baby movement and see her butt pressed firmly up on my belly. I don't know what the solution is. I just know what needs to be addressed.
1. I will not take my baby to the apartment he lives in now, or ever.
2. He needs a job he can rely on. I'm going to need to ask for help. And I don't mean just twenty dollars every couple of months to buy a pack of diapers.
3. I am on the short list for an apt. with financial terms in the area he lives in, but that's a good 1 1/2 years away, and still at least 400 dollars more a month than an apt just down the road from where I live now.
4. I can't afford childcare where he lives. I have it free here.
5. I can do more with my money here. More for my child, that is.
But these are nothing compared to my biggest concern. Nothing.
Ultimately, if I have to stay here-an hour away from the love of my life and my baby's father-I'm alone. I'm without the person I need the most in this world. And it hurts to think that I'm going to be here next year.
And he's going to be there. And then the next year. I'm still going to be here. Alone. And he's going to be there. And I wonder how long this is going to go on before he finally just moves on and leaves me alone for good. No matter how I figure it, I can not afford to move back.
I wish I could.
But I can't.
And I hate to think I'm giving up happiness and my love-along with my heart-because I can't make that transition.
I'm just not ready to say goodbye.
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