All I want to do is breathe. All I want to do is feel. Fill my lungs. Open my arms. I want to surrender to the one that is "I Am". I want to be free. I want clarity. Please. Jesus grant me peace.

I want to hide away in a hole somewhere. I want to forget so many things but I'm unable to actually pretend he doesn't exist. I won't be able to walk away from the messes that keep incurring because I won't walk away from him. He said it brilliantly when I asked him the other night "How was your day?" and then said "How would you have told me if I was a 1000 miles away in Montana?" ... He told me "It was awful because you weren't here." He's right. Even if I were to go back, even if I were to pretend this never happened amongst the drama and the pain, things wouldn't be good there either. They'd be just as bad as they were if not worse, only I'd be alone. I wouldn't have him. And there is a peace in his hands. I just have to keep reminding myself I'm not lying to myself. It's the truth. But something has to be done. There needs to be an intervention... God needs to be in this relationship. We need him in this family, because there is something wrong fundamentally with a child that has been raised to think it's okay to lie and manipulate. Something broke between the parent/child relationship along the way. There is something wrong when the grandparent and the aunt continue to lie and get violent and make the children think it's okay when it indeed, is NOT. There needs to be protection within this family unit. These children need to be loved and wanted. How can a child that is being taught to deceive for love, and hate merely because they're told show a child that they are loved and wanted? It suggests the opposite, that if you do not do these things for me, you will not be loved! These children need to be prayed with, shown all God has to offer, be saved from the pitfall of hate that has become the center of this extended family. And Woody and I need to have God at our center, we need to hold on to Him and begin to treat eachother with Godly respect, even when we disagree. We need to do more for eachother, or I suppose just do things differently. When we can look to God together for saving for ourselves and our family, treat eachother with the love and honor that IS GOD, show our kids who God is and how to have a Godly relationship, we will be showing those kids what love is and they WILL FEEL WANTED AND LOVED. We will be blessed. The children will be blessed. God will be here amongst us and we will find our faith lost again.

Wisdom

First, I must apologize because the keyboard I'm using is game-oriented and very difficult to use if you want to actually communicate with the real world.

Next, I will apologize for making no sense whatsoever.


I feel as though I'm stuck in a nightmare I can't wake out of. I keep pinching myself, and in some cases letting someone else pinch me; aaaaaaaaaand, damnit; still stuck. I'd rather be in a molasses eating contest in hell at this point. I don't know my left from my right, my sanity has left the building, and the ONE person who is supposed to be holding my hand thinks I should have no problems even admist the most recent shit. SO. Nothing poetic about this scenario, my damn prince charming is too busy rescuing his boss to care that I'm quickly fading out of this fairy tale, never to return.

"The time has come," the walrus said...

In the distance the sound of a ringing gong is heard, she looks behind her and sees the sun setting atop the mountains. She releases a sigh that seems to come forth from the deepest regions of her soul. Another day; gone. Heavily she intakes the cooling air and she closes her eyes. Peace replaces confliction. Her weary heart no longer feels laden by the tragedies of the past. The defeated remains vanquished, and yet; slowly a victory is becoming apparant. Triumph! She smiles bittersweetly to herself. "The end may very well have come!" Her mind whispers vehemently in an attempt of self-sabotoge. "No!" She says aloud, unaware of those milling about still, watching her with suspiscion.

"For tomorrow arises a new dawn; and I have won."


-Self 4/14/08




The only victory that become known to a human being in such a manner that the person they are and have known changes completely is a victory of self-awareness. The slaughtering of doubt and hatred of one-self. The ability to see who you truly are inside, to see who you are in the mirror and not ask "who?" but say "you." Life has taught me many things over the years. A person deserves to be loved and respected for who they are. How may a person be loved for who they are if they choose not to BE who they are? If they do not reach within the turmoil and release Pandora's one remaining vigilance of Hope? Self-actualization is not a myth. It is not a newage line of yoga/meditation related garbage. It is truly the final step out of the past. The beginning of the pathway to the rest of ones' own life. I deserve to be happy. No, who I am deserves more than just mere happiness. I'm walking away from a past of choosing to surround myself with men who would rather let me fall to a tragic death than love me or respect me. I'm walking into the arms of my future. I will be fully enveloped by what love truly can be; all because I finally see who I am and that I deserve my heart's desire.

Yes yes, I know I'm talking a lot today :( I'm just in a good mood and really feel like talking a little bit... maybe weighing some thoughts while I listen to Ooold School ACDC and bob my head a bit. *Sing she was a fast machine...best damn woman that I ever seen...* :P

I really want this to be a good year, I want it to make up for all of the hell I went through last year. I realize a lot of the things that have happened in my life were due to serious human error of judgment; however- I'm a changed woman.

Yes, I like to have fun. Yes, looking back I realize a lot of what happened was because I really wanted what I wanted then and 'now' regardless of who it was with. I never stopped to smell the true garbage bouquet I was bringing into the adobe of "Jessica". And here I am. For what it's worth; I learned a lot and I got to experience so many different types of people and aspects of life. True-if I could do it over again there are a few changes I would make :P But where would I be now? Hmmmm. Probably still alone, fairly manic, overly excitable and ditzy, still obsessed with random knowledge, still talking to strangers on the street and in line I don't know, and definitely still smiling at every random person I come into contact with... but I wouldn't have my baby girl :(

Hmmmmm

Yes, this is rambling. *Jessica, ramble? Noooo...*

I like to think that I'm a nice, well-rounded person. I love God and my family, I've always given everything of myself to the people I've chosen to be with (whether or not they deserved it!), I am intelligent, reasonable, and very perceptive. I listen to every kind of music on the planet unless it makes me want to scratch my eyes out, I love kids and seem to act like one half the time while still being an adult, hmmm....

I really like to cuddle and be held-especially if I'm hugged from behind... that is AMAAAAZING. *insert moan*

I love to laugh. But not at people. Unless they're my friends :P

I like to get a rise out of people... but I'm always smiling when I say something snarky or feisty so you'll know I'm trying to get your goat and make you play with me.

I like to clean. Sometimes I let laundry slide... but by golly I'm a clean freak. Everything has a place. Even the clutter.

I dance. All. Of. The. Time. Seriously... always wiggling my hips... sometimes in a very unladylike manner >.< *Sexy shake a'la Shakira*

I hate soda. I don't know why I drank it while I was pregnant.

I HATE Obama. I think he's the devil.

I once worked for the democrats of MT just because we had really bad republican reps...

I love to study people... I am never wrong. Even if you argue with me. I am right. You will find it out.

I'm very emotional... spiritual? I don't know how to explain myself there.

I love being outside, I love seeing the amazing world we live in!

I like being told I'm beautiful... by a certain someone... ;)

Down comforters were created by angels. *SIGH*

I like to cook. But I hate to use cookbooks... foods always great, though.

I like to go to a church thats full of life and people praising God. It makes me feel one step closer to 'home'.

It is very hard for me to reach that final peak. *Takes the right man I think, but I haven't met him yet*

I tend to postpone until the last minute and then scramble, but the pressure makes my results gloriously perfect and brilliant... my best work has always been last minute!

I'm the boss. I take direction in certain aspects *wink* and I even like it-but I'm the boss. You will see that I move up quickly into that position.

I don't know why the hell men fall in love with me or want me so bad. I'm not that great... but I've seen it happen too many times-and I'm very responsible because I'm a smiley tease. :( They've always been the nerdy type, too; though... :( Hmm...

I really don't drink that often. I just enjoy myself when I do. *Wild Thing*

hmmmmm.... I'm very thrifty... I hate paying regular price for anything and I like to get as much as I can for my money...

I'll stretch the truth to protect someone I love from being hurt.

I'll tell you when you're being an idiot or making the wrong decision, and I'll give you amazing advice---but I never heed my own words :(

I have amazing eyes. They are blues and greens and that sunshiney pale yellow color... and they change with my mood! Just look at my pics, you'll see... Angry-bright bright green Happy-Bright and shiney blue/green Mischevious-You'll see the yellow! Horny-Def feel like you just stepped into the Caribbean photos with the isles and the ocean and the sun... Depressed-Dark and deadly

I love my butt. It's great. Sexy. Love it. *Her butt is like, so---big---*

I like to wear nice things... but I also like to be comfortable at home.

I only put a bra on when I leave the house or someone comes over... >.<

I used to dye my hair a lot but I love my natural color *what I have now*

I like kisses. I like the mad I need you now kisses and the I love you, baby kisses... *Oh, Baby!*

I read an awful lot...

Hmmm. I talk about politics, sex, religion, and every other taboo freely with NO inhibitions. *SHOCK AND HORROR!*

My foot is in my mouth way too often. It's a disease.

Sometimes I wish I could shut my mind up. It thinks too much and too fast.


For now! I am done... *Hallelujah Chorus Insert*

I want so badly to sit and argue on my own behalf as to what happened in my 'marriage' or circumstance; as it were. However, the only things I find myself truly able to come to terms with are the qualities I will pursue in the future.

-A man who will put me (and his family) before everything else in his life

-A relationship where we share and meld into each others' hopes and dreams

-The ability to wake up each morning and not worry about whether my children will know who God is and what He did for us

-A marriage that has a healthy and pure sex life

-A man who knows the value of hard work and appreciates me for the work I do

-A man to stand behind and a man whose hand I may hold with pride

-A man that can put up with my spice and attitude with a smile and dish it right back out at me!!!!

-Someone to laugh with

-Someone to hold me at night

-Someone who will pray with his kids before bedtime and be a daddy

-A HUSBAND in all that defines a husband and he better be a MAN

I can't help but wonder where my life would be today if I'd made different decisions as a youth. Who would I have become? Would I be the Christian woman I'd always thought I'd be? Would I be married to a man that loved me, shared his hopes and dreams with me? Would I be overseas serving for the PeaceCorps or working as a missionary showing people just how awesome God can be? Would I have walked down the path of fornication and adultery? Would I be so angry and bitter? Would I still feel as alone? Would I have my beautiful daughter? Would I even be in Montana?

And where is God in all of this?

Why was it so easy for me to just walk away from something I knew and desired so fervently? Why did I say yes to men and sex and no to the Father who ever loved me the way I should be loved? How could I just walk away... ?

There is a peace that overcomes understanding in the arms of God. There is a hushed silence in the mind when His Spirit is ushered in... all questions are answered, yet unknown. His love is infallible! His mercy overwhelming.

To not only accept something as broken as my heart and torn to shreds as my life with open arms, but to beg me to come back with tears down His face is something I will never fully comprehend.

God is great.



Ezekial 36:26
And I will give you a new heart -- I will give you new and right desires -- and put a new spirit within you.