To My Love

This bittersweet glorious moment
Soon to come
Will in a sense bade a sorrowful farewell
Prayers enough may not be uttered
So to my love
These own words whispered

Remember the times the moments the places
The nights that never faded
Our misguided hearts uniting as one
The hours of rapturous envelopment
For I was yours truly

A humbling glance at what will be
Near to come
Unveils my eyes to a past most cherished
Promises enough might not be spoken
So to my love
These own words whispered

Remember the times the moments the places
The words sung by such sweet lips
Our souls enlightened suddenly found home
For such a time as this neither had expected
And I was truly yours

Remember the times the moments the places
The hands that woven escape time
Our eyes spellbound by the others gaze
A tale of legend and lore is written
For I am truly yours

So to my love
These own words whispered
Remember the times the moments the places
For I was and am truly yours

I hate saying goodbye.
I hate watching you leave.
Every time you drive away,
My heart breaks just a little more.

Have you ever...

Have you ever cared about someone so much you were willing to blindingly follow them into the depths of life's miserable abyss? You had no idea where you were walking but you had every last bit of faith and hope invested in this person's outcome.

The part of the equation that is most frustrating is the person whom's hand you are holding so naively has equally awful skill in reading that damn compass.

And there's a baby involved. In 86 days (OR LESS!!!!!!) there will be a crying, squirming, red faced baby to take care of. Mommy doesn't want to do this alone. My mind says I can do it if I need to, but my heart and soul are screaming that I'd rather not.

So suspended in this miserable school of thought; I sit-with a blindfold over my eyes that I could take off if I really wanted to. Because I love him. I need him. And she's going to need him.

For a brief moment there he said things that seemed he was taking US into consideration. Until the panic set in, an awareness of his "lack of success" and that seemingly missing "niche" that would supposedly set all that was wrong in the world straight.

And now-I am trying not to reread the ticker on my screen that says 86 days and counting. Or feel every baby movement and see her butt pressed firmly up on my belly. I don't know what the solution is. I just know what needs to be addressed.

1. I will not take my baby to the apartment he lives in now, or ever.
2. He needs a job he can rely on. I'm going to need to ask for help. And I don't mean just twenty dollars every couple of months to buy a pack of diapers.
3. I am on the short list for an apt. with financial terms in the area he lives in, but that's a good 1 1/2 years away, and still at least 400 dollars more a month than an apt just down the road from where I live now.
4. I can't afford childcare where he lives. I have it free here.
5. I can do more with my money here. More for my child, that is.

But these are nothing compared to my biggest concern. Nothing.

Ultimately, if I have to stay here-an hour away from the love of my life and my baby's father-I'm alone. I'm without the person I need the most in this world. And it hurts to think that I'm going to be here next year.
And he's going to be there. And then the next year. I'm still going to be here. Alone. And he's going to be there. And I wonder how long this is going to go on before he finally just moves on and leaves me alone for good. No matter how I figure it, I can not afford to move back.

I wish I could.
But I can't.

And I hate to think I'm giving up happiness and my love-along with my heart-because I can't make that transition.

I'm just not ready to say goodbye.

Wedding?!

The next person that mentions a wedding is going to send me to the pyschiatric ward unable to stop crying. Someone that kindly tells me my church would love to pay for a wedding... or if I mention I might have some money left over after selling my car to put away for baby..."You should use that for your wedding."

I can't begin to tell you how rejected you're making me feel. My heart breaks a little more every time someone brings that topic up. It's NOT my choice! And every time this subject comes up my mind wanders a little bit more to the "I can't believe I'm so unwanted..." realm. It doesn't need to be there. I don't need to recall that painful conversation we had before. I don't need to feel sorry for myself. I don't need to feel alone.

Please, please, please!


Just let me be at peace where life is right now and have my hopes without you dashing them every chance you get. I can't wish or make promises when I have no idea what the other person is thinking. I didn't expect to be here. He obviously didn't either. It's not my decision to make.