Sugar, Sugar

I've spent my entire adult life running from something bigger than myself. I've been shown repeatedly that there is more to this life, that there is someone that is reaching out. Yes, I'm a christian. But no, I'm not being the woman God wants me to be. I'm not being the witness he wants me to be. I met someone and convinced myself they were going to help me be that woman, that they were sent to me by God. That we would go to church, be a happy Christian family together, hold hands and pray aloud together, worship the God that brought us together with eachother, raise our children to be in a holy-Christ centered home. I was so sure. Or I lied so well. I don't know.

It's not that he's not a man of God. I suppose his heart isn't one that I can see. I do know we aren't in church. I do know we don't pray together. I do know we don't worship God together. I do know our children aren't being raised in a Christ-centered home.

And I know I'm not being a light in a ocmmunity. If I know anything, I know that God has called me to step outside my comfort zone and be a light in a community. I know He wants me to be a witness to others and be INVOLVED.

I feel as though I'm being pulled away from God. Far away. I wonder often if there's even an option to go back, because it feels like I'm so far away. And because I'm so far away, I'm leaving my life open to attack and the enemy has gotten his hands in my life through death, tragedy, and trauma.

Maybe he thought that I was the woman that he would want to go to church with, that I would be the woman he'd want to do those things with. But right now I'm still holding onto words that were told to me and have yet to be fulfilled. I should have listened to my mind, but I was so scared to be alone. So terrifed of what would happen to me and my daughter.

I do love him, and it hurts to think of being without him. But I'm so very tired of lying awake at night praying by myself, asking God to forgive me. I'm tired of being with men that promise and promise and promise and don't come through.

I think my spirit is completely broken. It has been breaking. Ever since I decided to have sex outside of marriage. And it's only getting worse. Even if I lie to myself and tell myself I'm getting involved with another Christian, I break more and more. And it's showing in my attitude, my persona, and my physical body even. It is unnatural for a human being to be seperated from the God that created them. That is why it hurts so much, why bad things happen. Where is my prince charming? In heaven on the right hand of God. I only wish I wasn't so scared to take a leap into the unknown. I feel like Jonah. Like I walked over to the cliff and looked down and saw the hurting people and faces and grew so embarassed I ran and hid. And now look were I am? Lying to myself. Lying and saying that the man I'm with will push me up closer toward God, when in all honesty I'm being pulled AWAY from God. My lifeforce is being suffocated. My spirit feels like its starving to death, I can feel it inside me; a constant ache. I cry every time I pray with desperation because it hurts so bad.


1 Peter 3:13 Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? 14But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear[b]; do not be frightened."[c] 15But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect
I have become a person I don't like. I have become a woman that is not a great example of what I believe. Where is this God I serve?

James 5:16
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

Maybe I let both of us down. Maybe he really thought he would do those things for me and then decided I wasn't worth it. Maybe he wanted to do those things for me, or even for God, but he just has too much hurt. Maybe it's really because he's too busy for God. But I'm falling apart, and the man of God I thought would be there, and the God I need are just so far away. I've turned away from God for a man. Again.

And I don't know how to get through to him. How can a person be a Christian and not crave God? Not NEED God? How can you be saved and have the Holy Spirit living IN you and still not NEED God?


1 Peter 3:7
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

Isaiah 54:6
6 The LORD will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected," says your God.