I'm really tired. I'm severely exhausted and I can't get myself to go take a shower or even to change into clean clothes. My female parts hurt and that is making me more tired, perhaps because I'm more and more depressed. I hate that I was so sick, so so so very sick, and it ruined my relationship and now I'm NOT sick. Not sick means the baby isn't growing and the hormones aren't elevating like they should. Being so tired means my body is shutting down in response to everything and I feel like just closing myself into a box and never coming out. Two babies in one year. So close together. I am now a mother of at least four, but only have one here to show for it. I don't know how much more my poor brain can take. How hard is it to make a nice life for my daughter and I? How hard is it to be happy? No matter how hard you try, how picky you are with your trust, or how often you question motives... life just decides to be tough. I see so many people with lives that aren't as tough. It drives me crazy to think that I can put myself out there, be SOMEONE to two little kids, to a man, and most importantly to my daughter; and yet here I am. Again. My mind just slowly shutting down. I don't think I've had a genuine thought process since July. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of being taken advantage of, and I'm really truly tired of letting myself fall so short in my daughter's eyes. I just want things to work out. I want to be happy. I want to be loved. And I don't want it to be short term. I don't want someone to decide I'm not good enough because I'm sick and can't vacuum. Or because I make Kraft Mac' N' Cheese instead of a real dinner because food makes me vomit. I just want to be loved for me. Me. I hate that I feel so close to a nervous breakdown. I can close my eyes and see the picture of that hand holding mine fade away so fast... all I can hear are the words and the insults and the deafening silence. Me trying to gain leverage by eventually insulting back. My daughter crying. Whatever happened to my happily ever after? I gave up my life for someone and their kids, and what do I have to show for it? A heart torn in two and bleeding, two miscarriages, a misplaced daughter, a suitcase full of clothes, and a mind that's on the brink. It shouldn't be that way. I should be remembering all of the happy times. Instead, all of the happy times are tainted with the horrible names and the insults and the berating.

Why can't I just be happy?

So I was sent an article titled "The Six Steps to Happily Ever After". I'm in the process of evaluating the six steps, and I'm stumped on the first step. I must be slow.

Step #1: Find a shared dream for your life together.

Well that just makes perfect sense in theory... but how do you apply it? Everyone smiles and nods their heads in agreement, but who truly has a shared dream with their spouse? Oh, I know. You must. You just can't remember. I know I sure as hell can't think of a shared dream. Ever get stuck on seeing the future, but not really understanding what it entails? That's where I'm at. I see the future. But where, what, when, how, and why... those are the questions. I have self-dreams. I would like to be closer to my family. I want to be happy. I want someone's hand to hold. I want to be sleeping snuggled up to someone every night. I want to be safe. I want my family to be loved, and be involved and active. I want to be a participant in church. I want to be a prayer warrior. I want to finish school. I want to quilt/knit/sew. I want to walk daily. I want my children to know Christ.

Those are just the tip of the iceberg. I have the more selfish desires, like socks and clothing and cosmetics; and I have the selfless desires like volunteering and being a supportive wife and loving mother. Where does the sharing come in? When is it a shared vision? Do you sit down and devise a plan? I'm sure there's a lot of prayer involved... most couples have disagreements. It must be hard to come up with a cohesive theoretical fairy tale happy ending.


Step #2: Choose each other as your first family.

This is true. Both couples step away from their families and choose to become one with the other person. You love yourself first, right? You wouldn't let yourself die or cut off your own arm, would you? So why wouldn't your spouse, who is now a part of you, become your number one? It's hard to apply though, the pain of family and blood ruins many relationships. Someone should tell the 'second' family this.


Step #3: Learn how to fight right.

I think the correct statement should be learn how to talk and learn how to listen right. It should NEVER come to a fight. Why can't you just COMMUNICATE frustration and agitation and FIX The Problem, why instead should it come down to a battle of wits and insults?


Step #4: Find a balance between time for two and time for you.
Step #4: Find a balance between time for two and time for you.
Step #4: Find a balance between time for two and time for you.

How often does your time 'off' involve time with the person you love? It doesn't count if they're in the same house.


Step #5: Build a best friendship.

I love this one.


Step #6: Face down a major challenge together.
"You never know how strong your relationship is until it is challenged." How about how weak or brittle? That song about standing on solid ground or on sinking sand... I always feel like I'm on sinking sand and slowly suffocating. Sigh.


I suppose the short article was helpful to so many people, and I found it interesting... I'm still stuck on step #1 though... I suppose if you found the person you're meant to be with... the person who's soul is the counterpart to your own... you'll make it work. All of it. Just not alone.