Husbands and Wives

A dialogue of the role of Husband in accordance to God's word, considering the woman's role as being the submissive partner.

For a husband to be the “head” of his wife is for him to follow Jesus’ example of being a servant-leader who did not lord it over us, but sacrificially gave himself for us. Husbands are to love their wives, give themselves up for their wives, care for their wives as they care for their own bodies, just as Christ does for the church. The wife’s role of submitting is in this context. (Mark 10:42-43, Ephesians 5:22-28, 1 Peter 5:1-4).

What does all of this mean? Well if the Husband is to be like Christ, and the Wife is to be like the Church; doesn't it mean the husband should love the woman the way Jesus loves us? Yes.


Leader and provider:

The first primary role in the family of the man is to show loving leadership over wife and children. Oversight of all matters in the home, both physical and spiritual. Spiritual leadership in family home Bible studies and prayers. The wife is the manager of the home, but the husband is the manager of the wife. (1 Tim 5:8)

The second primary role in the family of the man is to be the "breadwinner" Works to make money to support family.


Can a man truly understand a woman? Yes!
"Live with her in an understanding way, since she is a woman" 1 Peter 3:7
(FYI: That means don't call us babies when we cry, or get mad at us because you 'can't do anything'. Just be there.)


PRAISE HER!!
Proverbs 31:28-31
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:

29 "Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."

30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

31 Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

God is calling husbands here to COMPLIMENT their wives. To give her PRAISE. Especially when she's a woman of God. Complimenting a woman isn't optional, it's something God CALLS MEN TO DO.

What is the man's most important role? The spiritual role. According to Ephesians 6:4it is the man's job to provide leadership in areas of worship, Bible study, and church attendance.

One of the more important things to remember is that the Husband is to meet the needs of his wife, no matter how 'irrational' they may seem. He has been ordained by God to be the provider, and that includes emotional needs. In the Bible it says a man is to both become one flesh with the woman and also to love her as he loves himself. Say a man slices his arm open with a blade while trying to trim down a plank of wood; it's gouged and bleeding. He would stop, carefully tend to the wound, wash and even protect it with cloth or a bandage. This is how God has called men to care for the woman in their life.

Ephesians 5:28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church...

Understand Her
1 Peter 3:7 as stated above, men are called to Understand the woman. Listen. Ask. Enter into her situation, see-feel what she is facing.

No one said it was EASY but it's their JOB. Understand! And yes, woman think submitting is hard, but understanding is harder. Woman do realize this, I vote this is why women cry so much. But most men don't even TRY to understand. They don't realize that God has called them to Understand. Not if/and/but/or but UNDERSTAND. That's it. Final.

The weaker sex?
"Husbands, dwell with them (your wives) according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel and as being heirs together of the grace of live, that your prayers be not hindered" 2Peter 3:7. She is not weaker in character and intellect, but she is weaker physically and man must understand her needs and limitations. He must also be aware of her ability to help him. He must also use his abilities in helping her. Wise men show an interest when their wives speak up, and weigh their wisdom, for many times their wisdom out-weighs that of their mates. Sometimes we rob ourselves of the happiness our heavenly father intended for us because we have not learned to enjoy the companionship of our Godly mates.

Men are not 'better' than women!
Men also tend to believe that because they are called to be the head of the household that they are indeed above women. ABOVE their wifes. But women are 'JOINT HEIRS' to the Kingdom. That means we are equal in the eyes of God. We just serve different roles, that doesn't make us any less of a person than the man we are submitting to.

There are even verses in the Bible dictating how a man is supposed to treat his wife. He is not to be bitter toward her, harsh or even hold grudges against her. No ifs, no ands. A MUST. Men are to love their wives unconditionally, just as Christ loves us. That should be shown in how they speak to us. Wives should do the same for their husband, as women are called to be a soft voice as it honors God. But it's a common problem, especially when it's selfserving. "I AM not being treated right" but the Bible states that we should all Eph 4:31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Doesn't that change the way we should fight with our spouses?


Do good for wife....

Ahead of self. Good definition of love.

Ahead of parents. Must leave & cleave, Eph.5:31.

Ahead of children. A temporary relationship. They will leave.

Ahead of work. A means for providing. Not end in itself.

Eph 5:25, Love is primarily responsibility of husband.

And what, exactly is it about Love? A man is called to love his wife as Christ FIRST loved the church. FIRST. If the love has failed, it is the HUSBAND'S FAULT. HE has sinned. You can't plead "she doesn't love me!!" It is YOUR job FIRST, like Christ! Hollywood distorts love, considers it an occassion, a 'happening' if you will. But happenings and feelings are fickle, and undependable. By contrats according to 1 Cor 13:8 LOVE NEVER FAILS. Feelings are a RESULT. Put the other first, make yourself FEEL differently, and feelings will follow. A couple claims they don't love each other any more? They must repent! Love through God in marriage is a command!

Objection; that takes all the romance out of love.

Consider this: Webester’s NWD:
ROMANCE:
"a fictitious tale of wonderful and extraordinary events, characterized by much imagination and idealization.", p.1234

Would you rather make a marriage based on the feelings that are fickle? Here today, gone tomorrow? OR on the covenant made before God? This marriage will be blessed. A promise of unchanging, lifelong committment!


Overall the position of a husband and even love is a tremendous, difficult responsibility. It will not be perfect. Christ is perfection. But He is the example and He showed HOW to do it and that it CAN be done.

I've spent my entire adult life running from something bigger than myself. I've been shown repeatedly that there is more to this life, that there is someone that is reaching out. Yes, I'm a christian. But no, I'm not being the woman God wants me to be. I'm not being the witness he wants me to be. I met someone and convinced myself they were going to help me be that woman, that they were sent to me by God. That we would go to church, be a happy Christian family together, hold hands and pray aloud together, worship the God that brought us together with eachother, raise our children to be in a holy-Christ centered home. I was so sure. Or I lied so well. I don't know.

It's not that he's not a man of God. I suppose his heart isn't one that I can see. I do know we aren't in church. I do know we don't pray together. I do know we don't worship God together. I do know our children aren't being raised in a Christ-centered home.

And I know I'm not being a light in a ocmmunity. If I know anything, I know that God has called me to step outside my comfort zone and be a light in a community. I know He wants me to be a witness to others and be INVOLVED.

I feel as though I'm being pulled away from God. Far away. I wonder often if there's even an option to go back, because it feels like I'm so far away. And because I'm so far away, I'm leaving my life open to attack and the enemy has gotten his hands in my life through death, tragedy, and trauma.

Maybe he thought that I was the woman that he would want to go to church with, that I would be the woman he'd want to do those things with. But right now I'm still holding onto words that were told to me and have yet to be fulfilled. I should have listened to my mind, but I was so scared to be alone. So terrifed of what would happen to me and my daughter.

I do love him, and it hurts to think of being without him. But I'm so very tired of lying awake at night praying by myself, asking God to forgive me. I'm tired of being with men that promise and promise and promise and don't come through.

I think my spirit is completely broken. It has been breaking. Ever since I decided to have sex outside of marriage. And it's only getting worse. Even if I lie to myself and tell myself I'm getting involved with another Christian, I break more and more. And it's showing in my attitude, my persona, and my physical body even. It is unnatural for a human being to be seperated from the God that created them. That is why it hurts so much, why bad things happen. Where is my prince charming? In heaven on the right hand of God. I only wish I wasn't so scared to take a leap into the unknown. I feel like Jonah. Like I walked over to the cliff and looked down and saw the hurting people and faces and grew so embarassed I ran and hid. And now look were I am? Lying to myself. Lying and saying that the man I'm with will push me up closer toward God, when in all honesty I'm being pulled AWAY from God. My lifeforce is being suffocated. My spirit feels like its starving to death, I can feel it inside me; a constant ache. I cry every time I pray with desperation because it hurts so bad.


1 Peter 3:13 Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? 14But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear[b]; do not be frightened."[c] 15But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect
I have become a person I don't like. I have become a woman that is not a great example of what I believe. Where is this God I serve?

James 5:16
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

Maybe I let both of us down. Maybe he really thought he would do those things for me and then decided I wasn't worth it. Maybe he wanted to do those things for me, or even for God, but he just has too much hurt. Maybe it's really because he's too busy for God. But I'm falling apart, and the man of God I thought would be there, and the God I need are just so far away. I've turned away from God for a man. Again.

And I don't know how to get through to him. How can a person be a Christian and not crave God? Not NEED God? How can you be saved and have the Holy Spirit living IN you and still not NEED God?


1 Peter 3:7
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

Isaiah 54:6
6 The LORD will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected," says your God.

I just opened an email that had the "love tarot card" of the day. While I know God is greater than a deck of cards, I almost feel as though He's speaking to me via the words that were listed. This is what I read this morning:

The Five of Chalices card reversed suggests that there is a chance that you're not being honest with yourself. It's time you dealt with unresolved issues, deep fears or unfinished business, which, like a silent undercurrent or an unbridged gap in your heart, could be affecting intimacy in your relationship or love life. Staying busy, turning to familiar comforts or resorting to compulsive behavior could be covering up denial, suffering, stagnation or heartache. Genuinely come to terms with the truth by confronting or forgiving your own role in whatever it is you regret so that you can let go, move on and become more open to romance. There is a safe harbor of support and security available to you, but you might need to seek it out. Recovery and healing are inner work and can begin only after there has been acknowledgement of the hurts that have occurred.


I am not where I am supposed to be. I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. My life is God's and I'm not showing that. I wanted the marriage that was two people madly in love with God first, and eachother second. I wanted to be holding the hand of someone that I believed worshipped God and chose to make God a part of our lives. I wanted to be a witness, but I don't want to be one alone. I don't want to be alone. God, life is so short and I'm still running from You because I'm scared that I have to be alone.

I am sitting here looking at the photo of a girl I wouldn't even call a friend, merely someone I knew in Highschool, and I'm finding myself JEALOUS of her marriage. Jealous. Because she has a Christian husband, and even though I don't know this for sure; I know this is a marriage based on Christ... they both want to be in ministry, and I'm sure they pray together every night. I'm sure they read the Bible together. I'm sure when they have children they're going to pray with them, and read the Bible to them. And I'm sure she's not doing it by herself. I can't be the one to be empowered to do that. I'm not married to the man I'm with, my daughter isn't being prayed over every night before she goes to sleep, and neither are the other two. I feel like there's a massive distance between my partner and I because there isn't any God in our relationship.... any day off he has is spent gaming and lounging. No couple time away from children, no going to church to worship God and tithe, no nothing.

Sigh. All I want is to go to church and I really felt that movie (Fireproof) would have benefitted us. I want a man like that to be married to. I want to be a woman behind a man that I can feel God pulling me TO not AWAY from.

All I want to do is breathe. All I want to do is feel. Fill my lungs. Open my arms. I want to surrender to the one that is "I Am". I want to be free. I want clarity. Please. Jesus grant me peace.

I want to hide away in a hole somewhere. I want to forget so many things but I'm unable to actually pretend he doesn't exist. I won't be able to walk away from the messes that keep incurring because I won't walk away from him. He said it brilliantly when I asked him the other night "How was your day?" and then said "How would you have told me if I was a 1000 miles away in Montana?" ... He told me "It was awful because you weren't here." He's right. Even if I were to go back, even if I were to pretend this never happened amongst the drama and the pain, things wouldn't be good there either. They'd be just as bad as they were if not worse, only I'd be alone. I wouldn't have him. And there is a peace in his hands. I just have to keep reminding myself I'm not lying to myself. It's the truth. But something has to be done. There needs to be an intervention... God needs to be in this relationship. We need him in this family, because there is something wrong fundamentally with a child that has been raised to think it's okay to lie and manipulate. Something broke between the parent/child relationship along the way. There is something wrong when the grandparent and the aunt continue to lie and get violent and make the children think it's okay when it indeed, is NOT. There needs to be protection within this family unit. These children need to be loved and wanted. How can a child that is being taught to deceive for love, and hate merely because they're told show a child that they are loved and wanted? It suggests the opposite, that if you do not do these things for me, you will not be loved! These children need to be prayed with, shown all God has to offer, be saved from the pitfall of hate that has become the center of this extended family. And Woody and I need to have God at our center, we need to hold on to Him and begin to treat eachother with Godly respect, even when we disagree. We need to do more for eachother, or I suppose just do things differently. When we can look to God together for saving for ourselves and our family, treat eachother with the love and honor that IS GOD, show our kids who God is and how to have a Godly relationship, we will be showing those kids what love is and they WILL FEEL WANTED AND LOVED. We will be blessed. The children will be blessed. God will be here amongst us and we will find our faith lost again.

Wisdom

First, I must apologize because the keyboard I'm using is game-oriented and very difficult to use if you want to actually communicate with the real world.

Next, I will apologize for making no sense whatsoever.


I feel as though I'm stuck in a nightmare I can't wake out of. I keep pinching myself, and in some cases letting someone else pinch me; aaaaaaaaaand, damnit; still stuck. I'd rather be in a molasses eating contest in hell at this point. I don't know my left from my right, my sanity has left the building, and the ONE person who is supposed to be holding my hand thinks I should have no problems even admist the most recent shit. SO. Nothing poetic about this scenario, my damn prince charming is too busy rescuing his boss to care that I'm quickly fading out of this fairy tale, never to return.

"The time has come," the walrus said...

In the distance the sound of a ringing gong is heard, she looks behind her and sees the sun setting atop the mountains. She releases a sigh that seems to come forth from the deepest regions of her soul. Another day; gone. Heavily she intakes the cooling air and she closes her eyes. Peace replaces confliction. Her weary heart no longer feels laden by the tragedies of the past. The defeated remains vanquished, and yet; slowly a victory is becoming apparant. Triumph! She smiles bittersweetly to herself. "The end may very well have come!" Her mind whispers vehemently in an attempt of self-sabotoge. "No!" She says aloud, unaware of those milling about still, watching her with suspiscion.

"For tomorrow arises a new dawn; and I have won."


-Self 4/14/08




The only victory that become known to a human being in such a manner that the person they are and have known changes completely is a victory of self-awareness. The slaughtering of doubt and hatred of one-self. The ability to see who you truly are inside, to see who you are in the mirror and not ask "who?" but say "you." Life has taught me many things over the years. A person deserves to be loved and respected for who they are. How may a person be loved for who they are if they choose not to BE who they are? If they do not reach within the turmoil and release Pandora's one remaining vigilance of Hope? Self-actualization is not a myth. It is not a newage line of yoga/meditation related garbage. It is truly the final step out of the past. The beginning of the pathway to the rest of ones' own life. I deserve to be happy. No, who I am deserves more than just mere happiness. I'm walking away from a past of choosing to surround myself with men who would rather let me fall to a tragic death than love me or respect me. I'm walking into the arms of my future. I will be fully enveloped by what love truly can be; all because I finally see who I am and that I deserve my heart's desire.

Yes yes, I know I'm talking a lot today :( I'm just in a good mood and really feel like talking a little bit... maybe weighing some thoughts while I listen to Ooold School ACDC and bob my head a bit. *Sing she was a fast machine...best damn woman that I ever seen...* :P

I really want this to be a good year, I want it to make up for all of the hell I went through last year. I realize a lot of the things that have happened in my life were due to serious human error of judgment; however- I'm a changed woman.

Yes, I like to have fun. Yes, looking back I realize a lot of what happened was because I really wanted what I wanted then and 'now' regardless of who it was with. I never stopped to smell the true garbage bouquet I was bringing into the adobe of "Jessica". And here I am. For what it's worth; I learned a lot and I got to experience so many different types of people and aspects of life. True-if I could do it over again there are a few changes I would make :P But where would I be now? Hmmmm. Probably still alone, fairly manic, overly excitable and ditzy, still obsessed with random knowledge, still talking to strangers on the street and in line I don't know, and definitely still smiling at every random person I come into contact with... but I wouldn't have my baby girl :(

Hmmmmm

Yes, this is rambling. *Jessica, ramble? Noooo...*

I like to think that I'm a nice, well-rounded person. I love God and my family, I've always given everything of myself to the people I've chosen to be with (whether or not they deserved it!), I am intelligent, reasonable, and very perceptive. I listen to every kind of music on the planet unless it makes me want to scratch my eyes out, I love kids and seem to act like one half the time while still being an adult, hmmm....

I really like to cuddle and be held-especially if I'm hugged from behind... that is AMAAAAZING. *insert moan*

I love to laugh. But not at people. Unless they're my friends :P

I like to get a rise out of people... but I'm always smiling when I say something snarky or feisty so you'll know I'm trying to get your goat and make you play with me.

I like to clean. Sometimes I let laundry slide... but by golly I'm a clean freak. Everything has a place. Even the clutter.

I dance. All. Of. The. Time. Seriously... always wiggling my hips... sometimes in a very unladylike manner >.< *Sexy shake a'la Shakira*

I hate soda. I don't know why I drank it while I was pregnant.

I HATE Obama. I think he's the devil.

I once worked for the democrats of MT just because we had really bad republican reps...

I love to study people... I am never wrong. Even if you argue with me. I am right. You will find it out.

I'm very emotional... spiritual? I don't know how to explain myself there.

I love being outside, I love seeing the amazing world we live in!

I like being told I'm beautiful... by a certain someone... ;)

Down comforters were created by angels. *SIGH*

I like to cook. But I hate to use cookbooks... foods always great, though.

I like to go to a church thats full of life and people praising God. It makes me feel one step closer to 'home'.

It is very hard for me to reach that final peak. *Takes the right man I think, but I haven't met him yet*

I tend to postpone until the last minute and then scramble, but the pressure makes my results gloriously perfect and brilliant... my best work has always been last minute!

I'm the boss. I take direction in certain aspects *wink* and I even like it-but I'm the boss. You will see that I move up quickly into that position.

I don't know why the hell men fall in love with me or want me so bad. I'm not that great... but I've seen it happen too many times-and I'm very responsible because I'm a smiley tease. :( They've always been the nerdy type, too; though... :( Hmm...

I really don't drink that often. I just enjoy myself when I do. *Wild Thing*

hmmmmm.... I'm very thrifty... I hate paying regular price for anything and I like to get as much as I can for my money...

I'll stretch the truth to protect someone I love from being hurt.

I'll tell you when you're being an idiot or making the wrong decision, and I'll give you amazing advice---but I never heed my own words :(

I have amazing eyes. They are blues and greens and that sunshiney pale yellow color... and they change with my mood! Just look at my pics, you'll see... Angry-bright bright green Happy-Bright and shiney blue/green Mischevious-You'll see the yellow! Horny-Def feel like you just stepped into the Caribbean photos with the isles and the ocean and the sun... Depressed-Dark and deadly

I love my butt. It's great. Sexy. Love it. *Her butt is like, so---big---*

I like to wear nice things... but I also like to be comfortable at home.

I only put a bra on when I leave the house or someone comes over... >.<

I used to dye my hair a lot but I love my natural color *what I have now*

I like kisses. I like the mad I need you now kisses and the I love you, baby kisses... *Oh, Baby!*

I read an awful lot...

Hmmm. I talk about politics, sex, religion, and every other taboo freely with NO inhibitions. *SHOCK AND HORROR!*

My foot is in my mouth way too often. It's a disease.

Sometimes I wish I could shut my mind up. It thinks too much and too fast.


For now! I am done... *Hallelujah Chorus Insert*

I want so badly to sit and argue on my own behalf as to what happened in my 'marriage' or circumstance; as it were. However, the only things I find myself truly able to come to terms with are the qualities I will pursue in the future.

-A man who will put me (and his family) before everything else in his life

-A relationship where we share and meld into each others' hopes and dreams

-The ability to wake up each morning and not worry about whether my children will know who God is and what He did for us

-A marriage that has a healthy and pure sex life

-A man who knows the value of hard work and appreciates me for the work I do

-A man to stand behind and a man whose hand I may hold with pride

-A man that can put up with my spice and attitude with a smile and dish it right back out at me!!!!

-Someone to laugh with

-Someone to hold me at night

-Someone who will pray with his kids before bedtime and be a daddy

-A HUSBAND in all that defines a husband and he better be a MAN

I can't help but wonder where my life would be today if I'd made different decisions as a youth. Who would I have become? Would I be the Christian woman I'd always thought I'd be? Would I be married to a man that loved me, shared his hopes and dreams with me? Would I be overseas serving for the PeaceCorps or working as a missionary showing people just how awesome God can be? Would I have walked down the path of fornication and adultery? Would I be so angry and bitter? Would I still feel as alone? Would I have my beautiful daughter? Would I even be in Montana?

And where is God in all of this?

Why was it so easy for me to just walk away from something I knew and desired so fervently? Why did I say yes to men and sex and no to the Father who ever loved me the way I should be loved? How could I just walk away... ?

There is a peace that overcomes understanding in the arms of God. There is a hushed silence in the mind when His Spirit is ushered in... all questions are answered, yet unknown. His love is infallible! His mercy overwhelming.

To not only accept something as broken as my heart and torn to shreds as my life with open arms, but to beg me to come back with tears down His face is something I will never fully comprehend.

God is great.



Ezekial 36:26
And I will give you a new heart -- I will give you new and right desires -- and put a new spirit within you.

This is the Do Me/Date me file. This is a shh shh conversation with my mind that will make no sense to you. Don't even bother reading it.

Matt-Hit me over the head just want someone around
Elvis-Do me. Obviously. One night stand FTW.
Anony-just pissed about what happened. F U.
Andrew-Love of my life and soul mate
Brian-Do me. College, nothing.
Andrew again-God help me.
Levi-Do me. End my future.
Garrett-I loved him. I don't know what happened.
Tyson-Date me. He loved me. Didn't feel the same.
Scott-DO ME. I loved him and thought we could go far. He thought he was too good for me.
Andrew-Poor Andrew, I loved him and went running to him for help.
Anony-I don't even know what happened.
Daniel-Bastard. Do me. Obviously. Married jack-ass.
Scott-still wouldn't realize he wasn't too good... he wasn't even AS good.
Jake-Do me/Date me... not date me as in want to take care of me, more of date me because I'm lonely... and the do me only applied to his 'techniques' behind closed doors... and then I got pregnant...

There are names missing. Evan, do me. Justin, do me. The ones that wanted to date me but I couldn't find myself attracted to. Nick, Patrick... there are more recent names that also are omitted. For various reasons. Still. I allow myself to be a do me girl. Woman. It's the only way to get a little of what I feel I need to be loved... and wanted... and needed... and wanted some more... even if I AM being used, and taken advantage of. :(

Integrity is lost
Admist the sea of tremors and quakes
Hopelessness found in the
Eyes of yet another
Physically clinging to promises
Soon to be broken
Woe to the words
Woe to the words
Acknowledging the likelihood
Of another misconception
Warily she takes the step
In an agonizing direction

What would be your dream Valentines date?
A night in Tuscany in a not so over the top hotel with a balcony. Wine under the stars while holding hands. A walk at four in the morning so we can smell the bread baking. A visit to a small book store and a quick flick at a shabby foreign theatre. Eating a strange breakfast in bed because the hotel clerk didn't understand english well and laughing while picking at it. Mooning eachother on the airplane home. Perhaps joining the mile-high club.

Written tonight, January 15, 2008. You know the story.


Aching alone in the dark
Bitterness of the survival she has yet to face
Tears stream down the face of an angel
The wings clipped
By self guided claws
Once praying they'd found the safe ground
She'd always hoped she'd find
Still her soul wanders
Trampled and misguided
Numb to the suffering of her own heart
And the rain is falling
On the night of her final betrayal
Once again her hand held the empty promise
She suffocates on the air of lost faith
Suddenly she hears the screaming
The evil shouts of the night
And she keeps walking
Into the devastating unknown

God It's happening...

God, it’s happening. I tried so hard for so long to just avoid the feeling, the naiveties of my mistakes are quickly catching up to me. I’m terrified to turn around and reveal my face to the image of my past for the very reason that it might kill me. I used to confirm repeatedly to myself and my soul that every hurt was superficial, self-made. That if I were strong enough, smiled enough, I might just keep moving. I haven’t cried in years. Not since I told God Himself to leave me alone. I haven’t been that bitter or angry. Not until recently. And suddenly a flood gate is opening within me and I am forced to tread the waters of my misery, my pain… If I were to misstep just once, I would drown; I can’t swim. Not in my own blood. I thought by now there would be someone in my life strong enough to hold me above the water, to help me swim back to shore and start a fire so I could warm myself again. So I could live. Yet, I am forced to acknowledge the fact that the many prospects I’ve had have been men of destruction, not the life giving insurers I assumed I would receive. I’ve had the abusive, the cocky, the selfish, and the rare breed; the all-in-one. I’ve had every rejection and self-doubt possible placed in my mind. Until this point, I’ve held my head high and was determined to prove my value. My place in society. It is this moment in time that I truly see the misgivings of that belief. I find myself incapable of mere breathing in the company of any man that might be interested. I face this pathetic excuse of a woman every day in the mirror now. I am educated, intelligent, dedicated, compassionate, empathetic, loving, trusting…bruised and broken. I used to blame myself for the broken hearts trailed in the dust and burned in the ashes of my love life. It’s all come crashing down on me in a recent sequence of events any woman would have rather not lived, let alone witnessed. It’s essentially been confirmed that the men in my life, whether friends or partners; have determined that I’m easy to manipulate, and thus; easy to betray. And so they do. Someone commented that I must be great at relationships the other day, and I have to laugh. I very well may be the girl that will cook, laugh, play, and live life with you; but in the end my heart is shattered. At this juncture I’m questioning both my composure and my stability. Both are lacking. And the romantic department has temporarily closed its doors. I need to restore faith in myself before pursuing a romantic relationship. And even then, I need to trust someone. Like them. Enjoy myself with them. I need to see the fireworks and the magic before I start seeing someone. Maybe I’ve tried too hard. Pursued possibilities with dead ends. But I still deserve to be respected, loved, and held when I’m scared in the middle of the night. I don’t do mushy, but goodness gracious some integrity, security, (in)sanity, playfulness, passion, and trust in a relationship would certainly make me feel better. I need them all, damnit!!!! And now, I return to my bed as it beckons my depressed state of mind and my sleepy imagination. May I have sweeter dreams of a kinder tomorrow.

Andrew

This was for Andrew, someone I loved and still love today. If I could take back our past, I would.


You were my better half
After so long
I trusted you
More than myself
I relied on you and your hopes and dreams
Rather
Than
My own
Although apart
For so long
I needed you
More than I needed
Me
To be
Me
I always saw you
I think
As a piece of me
The piece that would survive
The one that would go on
Succeed
Become
All you
We
Could be
Even when my heart wasn’t
Attached
Or lay in the palm of your hand
My head and my will
Spoke
Strongly
That you
Were the half
Of me
That was sane
The half that would brave
The storm
In times of trouble
So forgive me
This debt
I have incurred
Relying on once
Familiar stability
Praying
A friendly face
Yours truly
Would ante up my own
Two feet
My own courage
My own strength
Which for so long
I have allowed
To be
In you
The missing
Piece
My other half
My better half

Shoddy Perfect Man

My idea of the perfect man in 2006:

SO, what EXACTLY makes up my perfect man? Well, I’ll tell you. Oh, and by the way-he’s not PERFECT per perfect sense, it’s the unperfectness that makes him perfect. :P If that makes sense?

1. A man who knows what I mean when I start rambling about some retard “dee dee dee” at work.
2. A man that can wrap his arms around me and make me feel extremely secure, safe, wanted, and loved. Strong arms is a favorable trait.
3. A man that is motivated, will work regardless of the job to take care of his family and himself. Preferably has gone to college… as I said, I dig intelligence. I want a man I can argue and discuss topics with that are of higher relevance than McDonalds or Burger King…
4. Warm body, with a soft belly… not huge on the skinny men… I like a man with meat and that squishy honey.
5. ADVENTEROUS. I don’t go crazy 24/7, but I am the girl that would jump out of a plane, has rock climbed without equipment, and would love to own a fast bike one day.
6. Faith is a biggie. Men who know what they believe in… HUGE.
7. Television. I watch certain shows. All the time. Family Guy, Futurama, and yes, of course---Desperate Housewives and Grey’s Anatomy…. Oh, and the O.C… anything that makes me laugh.
8. Which brings me to laughter… if your ideal job is to be a stand up comedian, you have the wrong girl… but if you enjoy slapstick, sarcastic as hell, poke fun humor---you have me to a T. LOVE IT.
9. Won’t get bored having to sit in front of a television or on a back porch while holding me for a few hours… I’ll make popcorn, I swear!
10. Doesn’t need to know where he’s going in life… just is happy to get there and makes the effort TO get there.

This bittersweet glorious moment
Soon to come
Will in a sense bade a sorrowful farewell
Prayers enough may not be uttered
So to my love
These own words whispered

Remember the times the moments the places
The nights that never faded
Our misguided hearts uniting as one
The hours of rapturous envelopment
For I was yours truly

A humbling glance at what will be
Near to come
Unveils my eyes to a past most cherished
Promises enough might not be spoken
So to my love
These own words whispered

Remember the times the moments the places
The words sung by such sweet lips
Our souls enlightened suddenly found home
For such a time as this neither had expected
And I was truly yours

Remember the times the moments the places
The hands that woven escape time
Our eyes spellbound by the others gaze
A tale of legend and lore is written
For I am truly yours

So to my love
These own words whispered
Remember the times the moments the places
For I was and am truly yours

Maybe what I said
Wasn’t made perfectly clear
And maybe the voices in my head
Aren’t resounding the way they
Typically do
And I’m seeing the image
The mirrored horror
Designated trauma
In the aftermath
Of my self made consequence
Decisions of life
Death truth and vengeance
Overwhelming evidence

Define my misery
With the syllables you utter
The thoughts you don’t
Dare speak aloud
Once considered
Now completely
Utterly vanquished
Amidst the night

Closing the door on the possibilities
Locking my heart
My mind
The fantasies
Behind the curtain lies the unspoken
The unmentionable
The verdict remains undecided
The path less traveled even less so now
As the steps that would have
Could have
Been taken----have been shifted
In the wrong direction

Define my misery
With the syllables you utter
The thoughts you don’t
Dare speak aloud
Once considered
Now completely
Utterly vanquished
Amidst the night

On knees hoarsely praying to God
Have mercy on the broken hearted
As the stake pierces my chest
And the blood pours out
Self made consequence
Rewritten again and again
The ending remains
Utterly vanquished
Amidst the night

This one was written to Scott before I met Daniel and ended up walking out on a relationship that probably had a future. Yes, I destroyed it. But I don't deal with men that get scared. I need a man that will show me his cards.


A promise
Made to myself
Years ago
That I would never
Be
Lonely
I met you
Fell in love
Holding your hand
My whole world
My heart
When I look in
Your eyes
I don’t see
What
I think I should see
I’m with you
But
You aren’t with me
Where did you go?
What did I do wrong?
You walked out on this relationship
A long time ago
Now I’m looking in the mirror
And
I’m alone
I want
To see you
Looking at me
Into my heart
Where your name lies
I want to feel you
Be with me
Want
To be with me
Need
Me
Promise me
I won’t ever be lonely

Written in 2006

This was written for a friend of mine by the name of Patrick. Read it slowly and see if you can grasp it's full meaning. I love you, hon.

If only it appeared
To be
Written in the sky
Amongst the celestial
Painting of our universe

If truly it designed
To become
A meeting of the fates
In this unfathomable
Unity of destiny

Per hope
Crutched by fallacy
And mistrust
A purpose lost
Yet redefined

The fairy tale rewritten
In the dust of aftermath
Collision inconsequence
Misconstrued
Perceived
Incomprehensible
Yet

True

Oooh, a not so old favorite. Let the nasty flavor aromatically devour your senses. Feels good to finally get this off my chest. Yes, I'm swearing. Atypical. I do that a lot lately, now; it seems. Depressing. Just another evident trace of what my life is turning out to be.


You’re such a dumb little bitch
Go ahead and give her another call
I know what she’s going to do
She’s just fing using you
Biding her time for the perfect moment
When she screws you
Oh, but not in the way you want her to
Go ahead, take another step
I wanna watch you fall
Better yet,
Let me push you in
Be consumed by her bull shit
Believe all her lies
And when you decide to come crawling back
Where you had it good
And “I wanna fuck you” meant “come and get it”
I’ll just stand here and laugh
You’re the mockery in this game
Play Follow the Leader and let someone else call the shots
Well I just drew the last card
And I’m happy to say
Fuck you
And I mean it
And not in a good fucking way