Have you ever...

Have you ever cared about someone so much you were willing to blindingly follow them into the depths of life's miserable abyss? You had no idea where you were walking but you had every last bit of faith and hope invested in this person's outcome.

The part of the equation that is most frustrating is the person whom's hand you are holding so naively has equally awful skill in reading that damn compass.

And there's a baby involved. In 86 days (OR LESS!!!!!!) there will be a crying, squirming, red faced baby to take care of. Mommy doesn't want to do this alone. My mind says I can do it if I need to, but my heart and soul are screaming that I'd rather not.

So suspended in this miserable school of thought; I sit-with a blindfold over my eyes that I could take off if I really wanted to. Because I love him. I need him. And she's going to need him.

For a brief moment there he said things that seemed he was taking US into consideration. Until the panic set in, an awareness of his "lack of success" and that seemingly missing "niche" that would supposedly set all that was wrong in the world straight.

And now-I am trying not to reread the ticker on my screen that says 86 days and counting. Or feel every baby movement and see her butt pressed firmly up on my belly. I don't know what the solution is. I just know what needs to be addressed.

1. I will not take my baby to the apartment he lives in now, or ever.
2. He needs a job he can rely on. I'm going to need to ask for help. And I don't mean just twenty dollars every couple of months to buy a pack of diapers.
3. I am on the short list for an apt. with financial terms in the area he lives in, but that's a good 1 1/2 years away, and still at least 400 dollars more a month than an apt just down the road from where I live now.
4. I can't afford childcare where he lives. I have it free here.
5. I can do more with my money here. More for my child, that is.

But these are nothing compared to my biggest concern. Nothing.

Ultimately, if I have to stay here-an hour away from the love of my life and my baby's father-I'm alone. I'm without the person I need the most in this world. And it hurts to think that I'm going to be here next year.
And he's going to be there. And then the next year. I'm still going to be here. Alone. And he's going to be there. And I wonder how long this is going to go on before he finally just moves on and leaves me alone for good. No matter how I figure it, I can not afford to move back.

I wish I could.
But I can't.

And I hate to think I'm giving up happiness and my love-along with my heart-because I can't make that transition.

I'm just not ready to say goodbye.

Wedding?!

The next person that mentions a wedding is going to send me to the pyschiatric ward unable to stop crying. Someone that kindly tells me my church would love to pay for a wedding... or if I mention I might have some money left over after selling my car to put away for baby..."You should use that for your wedding."

I can't begin to tell you how rejected you're making me feel. My heart breaks a little more every time someone brings that topic up. It's NOT my choice! And every time this subject comes up my mind wanders a little bit more to the "I can't believe I'm so unwanted..." realm. It doesn't need to be there. I don't need to recall that painful conversation we had before. I don't need to feel sorry for myself. I don't need to feel alone.

Please, please, please!


Just let me be at peace where life is right now and have my hopes without you dashing them every chance you get. I can't wish or make promises when I have no idea what the other person is thinking. I didn't expect to be here. He obviously didn't either. It's not my decision to make.

Everyone wants to be loved.

So obviously since I'm single and pregnant-or, I prefer to say 'unwed'-I get asked the rudest questions. And have people 'lovingly' give me the most unkind advice. There are four types of these people.

The first, tend to be the nicer ones. They ask me if the father is involved. Yes. Then they look at my ring finger. They shake their heads. And walk away. (While I'm left defending myself and Jake to-myself... it's an ugly battle because my brain and heart just don't understand eachother.)

The second group is the group I'd like to avoid if at all possible in the future. They are the kind that ask NOT if the father is planning on marrying you; but if you're going to marry him, and when you say "no..." and try to explain it's not YOUR choice it's HIS-they decide to tell you to get rid of the bastard because you don't need him anyway. I know they're just trying to be supportive, but give me a break! ATTENTION ALL MOTOR MOUTHS: I need Jake. Baby needs Jake. And he's not a bastard. Oh---and men are NOT all the same! Good lord, people...

This next group is sweet. They still make me think too hard but they have good intentions. This is the group of people that come up to you, pat you on the back and ask you when the baby's due, while at the same time conveniently grabbing on to your left hand. When they notice a ring isn't there, they ask if the father is still around. Instead of shaming me when I say yes, even though I'm not engaged to be married-they get excited that he's actually involved. When do we get to meet him? Is he excited? The only reason this group bothers me is because I know that unasked still lingers: "Why hasn't he asked you to marry him?" and that they're going to tell how 'sad' my story is to their husbands or wives at dinner tonight.

The fourth group is the one I hate the most. The one that sticks their noses so far into my business my mind stops and builds a brick wall so as to hide any of my thoughts from their overly-obsessive and 'foreseeing' minds. This is the group that doesn't just ask my why I'm not married. These are some of the horrible things I've had to hear-absorb-cycle-and cry waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much about.

1. He got you pregnant. He should try to right things. (Then follows a slew of comments meant to bash the poor man's integrity and committment.)
2. Do NOT live with him before being married. He'll never propose. You'll never marry. And you'll wind up watching him leave off the front porch with some girl he's fallen in love with.
3. Do you plan on living a life of sin? God won't bless you if you don't marry him.
4. I don't understand. Are you not good enough for him to marry?
5. I hope you don't plan on letting the baby have his last name. What happens when you have to explain your different last name six years down the road and to every teacher and parent at the parent-teacher conferences for the rest of her school career?
6. I have to question whether or not he's actually going to be there. If he isn't there for you both-and doesn't want to marry you, what makes you want to be with him?
7. He doesn't want to marry you? Why haven't you just cut him loose? Is there someone else?
8. I don't care if he doesn't want to marry you for money reasons. He's just making excuses.
9. He doesn't love you enough to marry you now, and you're having his BABY. What makes you think he's going to want to marry you later?
10. HOW can you think of a life with someone that doesn't want to marry you? You deserve better than that. Can you imagine sitting at home, watching your daughter grow up and be loved and proposed to, and wondering why you were never worth enough for him to do it?
11. What kind of a man doesn't own up to his actions?!
12. Yes, you shouldn't rush into things; but shouldn't you care that he doesn't want to get married? Your daughter needs to be set a good example of what a family is. If he's not going to do it, than you need to back out and find someone that will.

You know what makes me hurt the most? When people that mean well ask if he's going to marry me. I don't know. So I just tell them: Just because I got pregnant doesn't mean I want to miss out on the suprise romance of being proposed to.

I just wish people would stop asking. I don't want to have to think about this. I don't want to know. I remember asking him before I found out I was pregnant and being told "I don't want to get married for at least another ten years..." and "I don't know if I ever want kids..." Why the HELL would I ask now what his views on marriage are? I've already screwed up this guys' life. I've done enough damage. I don't need to do more. I don't want to be with someone and twenty years down the road wonder if they still resent me for all the life changes I caused. I want to be loved. I want to be wanted.



Leave me alone. I don't need to question Jake and his love for me-
let alone our child.

On becoming mom

I'm about to become someone's mother. Inside, my growing daughter is readying herself to meet the world-completely naive to the fact that I have yet to get my life together. But that's the beauty of it, I suppose...bittersweet as it is, she doesn't care that I don't have my life together. She's just going to come on out and expect that my life is all about her now. And it will be. Even now my life revolves around her. I can't imagine what life is going to be like when she's in my arms, and not just in my belly and in my dreams.

Sometimes things just work out...

I can't help but wonder what's going on here. In the past week I've had the most bizarre incidents of what other's would call "Karma". With how horrible things have been going financially, I'm starting to wonder if things might just work out in the end...

First, about a month ago I went to a series of garage sales, at which I bought a total of four Fossil purses in fairly good condition for a range of .25 cents to a dollar. (I didn't buy them all at one sale, mind you.) I went home and proceeded to both refurbish the exterior and clean out the interior of all the purses. While cleaning one of the purses I came upon a card holder, full of numerous store credit cards and a social security card! Needless to say, I called the person whose name was on the SS card and returned them promptly. This week, I received a thank you note. With a hundred dollar check. I had completely forgotten about the incident until that moment. I must have cried for an hour after opening that card...

Next, I've been panicking about what I'm going to do for money after the baby is born. I don't want to go to work full time because I don't want to miss out on my baby! So I've been looking at all the options for Stay-At-Home-Mommy work, and haven't been very lucky. Either you get scammed out of thousands of dollars, you cold-call people desperately, you sell cosmetics, or you need some sort of a class/degree. How much more depressing could life get? My grandma mentioned Medical Billing/Transcriptioning; but that requires a class and a test you need to pass. What happens ten minutes after that conversation? Jake's mom informs me she is going to pay for the class for me to take to do Medical Billing/Transcriptioning! I would be able to work from home, or even get a nice office job if I wanted to!

I'm amazed at how life is blessing me right now. I am going to just hope and pray-and remain at peace- about what will happen with the rest of the story. I trust everything will fall into place in ways I cannot forsee nor expect...