Written tonight, January 15, 2008. You know the story.


Aching alone in the dark
Bitterness of the survival she has yet to face
Tears stream down the face of an angel
The wings clipped
By self guided claws
Once praying they'd found the safe ground
She'd always hoped she'd find
Still her soul wanders
Trampled and misguided
Numb to the suffering of her own heart
And the rain is falling
On the night of her final betrayal
Once again her hand held the empty promise
She suffocates on the air of lost faith
Suddenly she hears the screaming
The evil shouts of the night
And she keeps walking
Into the devastating unknown

God It's happening...

God, it’s happening. I tried so hard for so long to just avoid the feeling, the naiveties of my mistakes are quickly catching up to me. I’m terrified to turn around and reveal my face to the image of my past for the very reason that it might kill me. I used to confirm repeatedly to myself and my soul that every hurt was superficial, self-made. That if I were strong enough, smiled enough, I might just keep moving. I haven’t cried in years. Not since I told God Himself to leave me alone. I haven’t been that bitter or angry. Not until recently. And suddenly a flood gate is opening within me and I am forced to tread the waters of my misery, my pain… If I were to misstep just once, I would drown; I can’t swim. Not in my own blood. I thought by now there would be someone in my life strong enough to hold me above the water, to help me swim back to shore and start a fire so I could warm myself again. So I could live. Yet, I am forced to acknowledge the fact that the many prospects I’ve had have been men of destruction, not the life giving insurers I assumed I would receive. I’ve had the abusive, the cocky, the selfish, and the rare breed; the all-in-one. I’ve had every rejection and self-doubt possible placed in my mind. Until this point, I’ve held my head high and was determined to prove my value. My place in society. It is this moment in time that I truly see the misgivings of that belief. I find myself incapable of mere breathing in the company of any man that might be interested. I face this pathetic excuse of a woman every day in the mirror now. I am educated, intelligent, dedicated, compassionate, empathetic, loving, trusting…bruised and broken. I used to blame myself for the broken hearts trailed in the dust and burned in the ashes of my love life. It’s all come crashing down on me in a recent sequence of events any woman would have rather not lived, let alone witnessed. It’s essentially been confirmed that the men in my life, whether friends or partners; have determined that I’m easy to manipulate, and thus; easy to betray. And so they do. Someone commented that I must be great at relationships the other day, and I have to laugh. I very well may be the girl that will cook, laugh, play, and live life with you; but in the end my heart is shattered. At this juncture I’m questioning both my composure and my stability. Both are lacking. And the romantic department has temporarily closed its doors. I need to restore faith in myself before pursuing a romantic relationship. And even then, I need to trust someone. Like them. Enjoy myself with them. I need to see the fireworks and the magic before I start seeing someone. Maybe I’ve tried too hard. Pursued possibilities with dead ends. But I still deserve to be respected, loved, and held when I’m scared in the middle of the night. I don’t do mushy, but goodness gracious some integrity, security, (in)sanity, playfulness, passion, and trust in a relationship would certainly make me feel better. I need them all, damnit!!!! And now, I return to my bed as it beckons my depressed state of mind and my sleepy imagination. May I have sweeter dreams of a kinder tomorrow.

Andrew

This was for Andrew, someone I loved and still love today. If I could take back our past, I would.


You were my better half
After so long
I trusted you
More than myself
I relied on you and your hopes and dreams
Rather
Than
My own
Although apart
For so long
I needed you
More than I needed
Me
To be
Me
I always saw you
I think
As a piece of me
The piece that would survive
The one that would go on
Succeed
Become
All you
We
Could be
Even when my heart wasn’t
Attached
Or lay in the palm of your hand
My head and my will
Spoke
Strongly
That you
Were the half
Of me
That was sane
The half that would brave
The storm
In times of trouble
So forgive me
This debt
I have incurred
Relying on once
Familiar stability
Praying
A friendly face
Yours truly
Would ante up my own
Two feet
My own courage
My own strength
Which for so long
I have allowed
To be
In you
The missing
Piece
My other half
My better half

Shoddy Perfect Man

My idea of the perfect man in 2006:

SO, what EXACTLY makes up my perfect man? Well, I’ll tell you. Oh, and by the way-he’s not PERFECT per perfect sense, it’s the unperfectness that makes him perfect. :P If that makes sense?

1. A man who knows what I mean when I start rambling about some retard “dee dee dee” at work.
2. A man that can wrap his arms around me and make me feel extremely secure, safe, wanted, and loved. Strong arms is a favorable trait.
3. A man that is motivated, will work regardless of the job to take care of his family and himself. Preferably has gone to college… as I said, I dig intelligence. I want a man I can argue and discuss topics with that are of higher relevance than McDonalds or Burger King…
4. Warm body, with a soft belly… not huge on the skinny men… I like a man with meat and that squishy honey.
5. ADVENTEROUS. I don’t go crazy 24/7, but I am the girl that would jump out of a plane, has rock climbed without equipment, and would love to own a fast bike one day.
6. Faith is a biggie. Men who know what they believe in… HUGE.
7. Television. I watch certain shows. All the time. Family Guy, Futurama, and yes, of course---Desperate Housewives and Grey’s Anatomy…. Oh, and the O.C… anything that makes me laugh.
8. Which brings me to laughter… if your ideal job is to be a stand up comedian, you have the wrong girl… but if you enjoy slapstick, sarcastic as hell, poke fun humor---you have me to a T. LOVE IT.
9. Won’t get bored having to sit in front of a television or on a back porch while holding me for a few hours… I’ll make popcorn, I swear!
10. Doesn’t need to know where he’s going in life… just is happy to get there and makes the effort TO get there.

This bittersweet glorious moment
Soon to come
Will in a sense bade a sorrowful farewell
Prayers enough may not be uttered
So to my love
These own words whispered

Remember the times the moments the places
The nights that never faded
Our misguided hearts uniting as one
The hours of rapturous envelopment
For I was yours truly

A humbling glance at what will be
Near to come
Unveils my eyes to a past most cherished
Promises enough might not be spoken
So to my love
These own words whispered

Remember the times the moments the places
The words sung by such sweet lips
Our souls enlightened suddenly found home
For such a time as this neither had expected
And I was truly yours

Remember the times the moments the places
The hands that woven escape time
Our eyes spellbound by the others gaze
A tale of legend and lore is written
For I am truly yours

So to my love
These own words whispered
Remember the times the moments the places
For I was and am truly yours

Maybe what I said
Wasn’t made perfectly clear
And maybe the voices in my head
Aren’t resounding the way they
Typically do
And I’m seeing the image
The mirrored horror
Designated trauma
In the aftermath
Of my self made consequence
Decisions of life
Death truth and vengeance
Overwhelming evidence

Define my misery
With the syllables you utter
The thoughts you don’t
Dare speak aloud
Once considered
Now completely
Utterly vanquished
Amidst the night

Closing the door on the possibilities
Locking my heart
My mind
The fantasies
Behind the curtain lies the unspoken
The unmentionable
The verdict remains undecided
The path less traveled even less so now
As the steps that would have
Could have
Been taken----have been shifted
In the wrong direction

Define my misery
With the syllables you utter
The thoughts you don’t
Dare speak aloud
Once considered
Now completely
Utterly vanquished
Amidst the night

On knees hoarsely praying to God
Have mercy on the broken hearted
As the stake pierces my chest
And the blood pours out
Self made consequence
Rewritten again and again
The ending remains
Utterly vanquished
Amidst the night

This one was written to Scott before I met Daniel and ended up walking out on a relationship that probably had a future. Yes, I destroyed it. But I don't deal with men that get scared. I need a man that will show me his cards.


A promise
Made to myself
Years ago
That I would never
Be
Lonely
I met you
Fell in love
Holding your hand
My whole world
My heart
When I look in
Your eyes
I don’t see
What
I think I should see
I’m with you
But
You aren’t with me
Where did you go?
What did I do wrong?
You walked out on this relationship
A long time ago
Now I’m looking in the mirror
And
I’m alone
I want
To see you
Looking at me
Into my heart
Where your name lies
I want to feel you
Be with me
Want
To be with me
Need
Me
Promise me
I won’t ever be lonely

Written in 2006

This was written for a friend of mine by the name of Patrick. Read it slowly and see if you can grasp it's full meaning. I love you, hon.

If only it appeared
To be
Written in the sky
Amongst the celestial
Painting of our universe

If truly it designed
To become
A meeting of the fates
In this unfathomable
Unity of destiny

Per hope
Crutched by fallacy
And mistrust
A purpose lost
Yet redefined

The fairy tale rewritten
In the dust of aftermath
Collision inconsequence
Misconstrued
Perceived
Incomprehensible
Yet

True

Oooh, a not so old favorite. Let the nasty flavor aromatically devour your senses. Feels good to finally get this off my chest. Yes, I'm swearing. Atypical. I do that a lot lately, now; it seems. Depressing. Just another evident trace of what my life is turning out to be.


You’re such a dumb little bitch
Go ahead and give her another call
I know what she’s going to do
She’s just fing using you
Biding her time for the perfect moment
When she screws you
Oh, but not in the way you want her to
Go ahead, take another step
I wanna watch you fall
Better yet,
Let me push you in
Be consumed by her bull shit
Believe all her lies
And when you decide to come crawling back
Where you had it good
And “I wanna fuck you” meant “come and get it”
I’ll just stand here and laugh
You’re the mockery in this game
Play Follow the Leader and let someone else call the shots
Well I just drew the last card
And I’m happy to say
Fuck you
And I mean it
And not in a good fucking way