Sugar, Sugar

How hard is it to be loved? Or really, the question: how hard is it to feel loved? Life just passes faster and faster and it seems we get stuck in the smallest moments wondering how did I wind up here?

I remember the days of finishing up a good book at Barnes and Nobles and ending the day with a drink on the back of Scott's porch. We'd talk, generally about nothing, but we'd talk. And then we'd maybe watch some t.v. and wind up falling asleep. I remember loving that part, having someone to talk to and fall asleep with. I remember loving when I made someone laugh, but I also remember wondering why I wasn't good enough for him.

I remember being with Garret and having so many differences in what we believed, but yet being identical in how we lived our lives and how we thought. I remember how hard we laughed, but knowing it wouldn't last.

I remember Andrew. Ah. Those days. The days of never questioning who you are and where you're going, of loving and living every moment! Faster, harder, the laughs, the late night talks under the stars, the drives to no where just to be with each other. And the fight that came the day I found out I wasn't good enough.


But those days are long gone and Lot's wife was a great example of never looking back. I no longer invest all of who I am into a relationship, and I have yet to decide if it's hurt the relationship or if it's saved me from feeling even more pain. What happens when a woman wants to be loved, to be touched, to be cherished, to be laughed with, and all of that is secondary to a man's wants? Shouldn't it be a joint response that comes before the mess that is our lives? I think the clues lie in the undone dishes or the messy bedroom floor. I miss the days of drinking coffee or a wine cooler with a good friend and just laughing about the day or talking politics. I miss the day I was naive and had high hopes for who my soul mate would be.

I'm not strong enough to be one of those women that waits around for her man to give up, turn the tv/computer off and spend some time having a real conversation with her. I don't have the time in my life to wait around hoping all the promises that were made are going to come true. Wondering when something I'm going to say or not say is going to cause a fight, dreading the next time we 'make love'. How can you make love to someone you don't show is worth the time to actually love? I've made my requests repeatedly, I've fought trying to defend myself too many times. I don't feel wanted and I'm tired of looking in his eyes and seeing this man that used to laugh when I said something witty, that used to look at me as though he never wanted to take his eyes off me. I miss the man that used to put me before everything else in his life, even if it was just for a week. I miss feeling like a part of some great adventure. I want the man that cares when I'm crying because it means I'm really hurting.

I think in the end it's easy to figure women out and men are just too lazy and stubborn to admit that all we want is action behind words. Not pretty words to shut us up, not flowers when you feel guilty. We want you to say you're going to do something and do it.

Tell me you've seen the light, that you're tired of putting off the promises you made. That my pain means something to you, and your life isn't just about you any more. And you're going to hold me.