Sugar, Sugar

I recently was proposed to, and for a second time in my life it was done at a very casual moment as though it wasn't important or was just a normal proceeding of the day. At first, I blew off the idea of being disappointed because I thought I was being greedy or controlling. But it's continued to bother me.

First, I asked; no, begged-him to actually PROPOSE to me and be creative. Why? Because the first time for me was just an "Oh, will you marry me?" and I wasn't even given the opportunity to be treated special, spoken to as though I was special, or shown how much thought someone could put into proposing to me. Besides, no one likes to be proposed to when they really need a shower and are nasty. Also, he proposed to his first wife after or during a roll in the hay. Really.

So twice now, his extent of thought behind showing the women he wants to marry HOW MUCH involves a quick hey wouldya. It almost seems extremely insincere. No, it does seem insincere. It seems as though it was expected of him, and it was expected of me to say yes. So I had to say yes while dressed in sweats, wanting a shower, and being seriously disappointed he didn't listen to a single word I said in pleading to please give me a little more consideration than he gave his ex or my ex gave me.

Now, there is no selfishness behind this thought. I really just did not want to yet again not have a story to tell. How did he propose? He got up from the computer and knelt down in front of me as I walked toward the bathroom to pee. How did the last one propose? While I was waiting for him to leave so I could shower.

I can imagine many women have sweet stories, where men tell them all about how they can't live without them, what great _____ they have or some special asset about them. I got nada. Zilch. Just a ring and a pissed off face when I didn't respond right away, both times. I don't want the man to cry, and I guess I really don't want to cry. But I would like to feel as though this was special for BOTH of us, and have someone take the time to make it special---which would show it was special for them, or they wouldn't take the time.

I hear all these amazing stories about how my friends were proposed to, even just being taken back to the first place they went on a date (a pizza joint) is putting thought into it. No, a proposal doesn't have to be exuberant, no the ring really isn't everything, and really a woman doesn't feel entirely special about a proposal when the only effort made was to grab a ring and say wouldya.

I guess I just have all these fantasies about how things should be with this guy, I mean he flew all the way to Montana to meet me. I really just expected to have a real proposal. I guess it's not just that I feel robbed, but that yet again he didn't hear the words coming from my mouth. Almost as though his way is the only way and I better get used to it... eeeeevery time. Every. Time. He heard me say please don't, even got mad when he thought that's what I was thinking. But it's still HIS way and my heart can't be listened to. (Won't be?)

It really wouldn't be such a let down if there hadn't been a few conversations about it, or even a couple of similar proposals in the past. I really thought we were different. I've been told he loves me more than he ever loved her, but I got the same proposal? I expected more from him and he knew it, but he still did it. Ugh. It's really messing with my head.

I look at this ring and I think, aww how pretty and yet, whats wrong with this picture? I guess I just am getting tired of telling him what I want and need and having him blow me off. And this was really important to me. Makes me wonder whats going to be blown off next.